Understanding and Dealing with the Needs of Aging Parents

Caring for our aging parents can be both an atrocious and wonderful experience! Yet it can also bring you closer to your family members and allow you the chance to give back. It can be one of the most growth-promoting times in the history of the family.

When we have viewed our parents as powerful authority figures, who were competent to handle any situation, it's hard for an adult child to watch their super mom, who birthed them, grow old and helpless. It's painful to witness their strong father who always knew what to do, become a confused and uncertain old man.

We want to welcome our parents into our homes and our communities, but one of our greatest concerns is that they may not be happy. We are concerned that our homes may not be conducive to their needs, and the needs of our children, spouse and a job that require a lot of our attention. Most elderly parents have a very hard time leaving a warm and familiar place they call home. Having lived in their homes half of their lives, they have become very attached and unwilling to let it go.

Adult children are anxious about doing too much, and worried about doing too little. Such things as buying groceries, filling prescriptions, balancing check books or cleaning the home can be looked upon as being overbearing. Yet, not being available to take your parents to a doctor's appointment or to the grocery store could be considered as being neglectful. Feelings of anger, guilt and sadness can be overwhelming at times.

We worry about our parents' health, finances, homes, driving, safety and social life. We try to find answers to questions such as, "Are there any health issues that is being kept undisclosed?" "Do you need any extra money?" "Is the maintaining of the home too much for you?" "Should you still be driving?" "Are you lonely?"
Due to a misguided respect for privacy, family members may not help one another enough.

Our aging parents have their anxieties as well. They are afraid of losing control and being a burden. They are frightened of becoming trapped in bodies without sound minds, or with sound minds but without functional bodies. Yet, the aging parents may not ask, "Do you think I'm losing my memory?" "Can I come live with you?" The shift from the roles of independent adult to that of dependent adult is one of the most dreaded role changes accompanying aging parents.

Elder people fear becoming dependent, whether physical or financially-either way, it is a difficult position for most adults to accept. This fear is easy to understand. We are taught from birth that becoming independent and self-sufficient is a primary goal. We learn very early in life that anyone of adult age who has to depend on others for support is inferior.

Words such as moocher, sponge, leech, lazy, and bum are all terms we frequently apply to people who cannot take care of themselves financially.
This is a deeply ingrained value for most people, and it is not surprising that elder people are hostile to the idea of giving up their independence and becoming dependent on others.

Aging parents sometimes resist and often resent having to depend on their children. They become angry and frustrated by the changes in interaction brought on by the reversal of positions. They may feel guilty because they feel that they should not be dependent.

Perhaps the most difficult challenge for parents is to realize that their children are adults now. Parents may still have memories of tough times with us. They may have flash backs of the child who would not do his homework or a rebellious daughter who would not do what was expected of her. These old pictures may keep our parents from seeing clearly and relinquishing control over their affairs.

A strong desire for independence has been found to be typical of elder people. Sometimes this motivation comes from the pride of being self-sufficient, sometimes from a desire to avoid burdening others, sometimes from a fear and mistrust of others, and sometimes from a desire to defend an unrealistic perception of how they are viewed.

As a result of the high value placed on independence, elderly people hold extremely negative attitudes toward dependency. Some are very uncomfortable discussing their need for dependency. They often refuse help or hand-outs. Dependency makes elderly people despise themselves and their situation.

It should not be surprising, then, that some elderly people would literally prefer to die rather than become dependent. Although there are programs to help cover the basic necessities, there is still an estimated 3.6 million Americans aged 65 and over are living in poverty. This situation aggravated by the fact that our community supports are inadequate, and many of our medical services are organized in such a way as to deprive the individual of independence.

When it comes to our relationships with our parents and grandparents, we need much insight, empathy, love and respect. Treat people as you would want to be treated.