Understanding the "I Don't Care" Attitude in Children

The words "I don't care" unusually mean that a child is either genuinely depressed or that the current consequence-and-reward techniques a parent is using have ceased to be effective. In the first case, a parent needs to consider the possible sources of the problem, be compassionate and supportive and ultimately seek counseling for the child if the problem persists. In the second case, it is important to not escalate the situation by debating or arguing. Rather, it is best to maintain firm limits and allow a child ample time to reconsider their options. Understanding this distinction from the outset is very important, because a misunderstanding can result in parents taking actions that will only make the problem worse!

In the first case (of actual depression) the signs are clear: a parent tells a child, for example, that they will take a privilege away if an action isn't performed (e.g. I will take your GameBoy if you don't go to school) and the child continues to respond with "I don't care." The best general method of dealing with any depressed person is to get them involved with positive activities as a means for helping them feel better about themselves and their situation. Particularly with children, adding additional (negative) consequences is not the answer because that will only make the depression worse. It is also very important for adults around a depressed child to frequently compliment the child's abilities and personality. If all else fails, cognitive behavioral therapy has been shown to be the most effective way of treating childhood depression, which means seeking a licenced professional.

In the second case (of current consequence/reward systems not working), the child is using the statement "I don't care" as a form of defiance - when in actuality they do care, and don't want to (reusing the above example) lose their GameBoy. Here it is important to keep calm and not argue, as opposed to insisting that the child does in fact care. This circumvents the types of power struggles which can further exacerbate a situation. It also allows a parent to keep firm limits while giving a child the means to make a good decision on their own. Additionally, peers or siblings should be removed from the immediate environment, as the child may feel the need to 'save face' (i.e. look good) in front of other children and continue to act defiant in their presence.