Understanding Extreme Oppositional Behavior in Children

Extreme oppositional behavior is typically indicative of one of two situations: either the child is attempting to assert control of their environment or they are attempting to push adults away through defiance. It is important to note that different techniques described here will work better for different children. Of course, a parent will only discover what works best through knowledge of a particular child and trial-and-error using some of these strategies.

In the first case (of children asserting control) the child usually feels out of control of their situation. This can be caused by a great deal of trauma or a perceived lack of choice in their lives. This is common with children who have been abused. A parent's or care-giver's goal in dealing with this scenario is to allow the child to feel empowered while still getting them to be compliant with simple directions.

The most common way to deal with this kind of behavior is traditional operant conditioning. This means: find rewards that are valuable to the child and offer them in exchange for having them complete desired tasks, follow basic directives and exhibit appropriate behaviors. This type of child will commonly exhibit verbal defiance even while completing these tasks (still saying they won't do it), which allows them to feel like they have control (by expressing dissent) while still doing what they should be.

Giving forced choices is another tactic. For example, a parent can tell the child they either will need to complete a task or take a time-out. It is important to make clear that they have no other options than the two presented to them. Most of all, it is necessary to provide these children with verbal praise when they do make good choices, so that they associate positive actions with praise.

In the second case (of: pushing parents away) children who have a reactive defiant response to adult directions (often coupled with verbal disrespect) is often seen in children who have been neglected or have had a significant break with their family - such as in a divorce situation. These children have received the message that adults may not stay in their lives and have thus learned not to attach to adults, because long-term this results in the pain of loss from abandonment.

These children typically have a very low self-esteem. Their behavior shows their desire to keep adults at a safe emotional distance. Your initial goal with this type of child is to get them to understand that you do, in fact, care about them irregardless of their behavior. It is important to be very patient with these children and to frequently compliment them and express your desire to spend positive time with them. However, you need to explain that in order for you to do this they need to complete desired tasks and speak to you respectfully.

Allowing these children time and space is typically effective, so they have time to consider positive outcomes and space to reduce pressure for them to comply. If they feel pushed or feel pressure they are more likely to react with defiance rather than seriously considering what is best for them in accomplishing their goals.

With all oppositional children (of both types listed above) it is important for parents or caregivers to access as seemingly endless bank of patience. You should speak in a calm, flat tone when children are oppositional - reacting strongly will not help the situation. Also, provide verbal praise and encouragement when the child's attitude or behavior starts to turn in a desired direction. The key is to help children gain perspective through reminders of what positive outcomes will result when they engage in positive actions and complete desired tasks.