Understanding Grief

When our loved ones die, we are faced with some very serious life changing issues. Death, a taboo subject in our culture leaves us without much support for the grieving process. When the unimaginable reality occurs, and death snatches an integral part of our tapestry of life, we are left alone to cope. What is even more unnerving is the sudden gulfs in understanding between you and others who stand outside the circle of grief.

It is here that cultural and societal mores create the chasm between the newly widowed. Friends who initially were totally involved in your grieving become subtly uneasy. There is the slightest air of impatience if you suddenly feel that sharp aching well of grief. Friendships with other married couples can become altered beyond repair. Where you and your spouse may have been an active welcome part of their lives, now you're the uneasy third leg at the party. Clumsily, to try and make things better, you may find yourself at the recieving end of hastily arranged blind dates. This is to restore the sudden unwelcome imbalance of you being without a mate. You may be perceived suddenly as a threat to others relationships. WOW! What an ugly petty pile of emotional baggage the newly widowed must carry. And how very unfair.

Where do these subtle shifts in friendships come from? An inability to understand the entire process of death and bereavement. First, everyone is unique. We bring to the grief process the entire fabric of our own history. Add to that, we also bring the complex issues of the shared history with the deceased. The longer we have had a relationship or marriage, the deeper, the more traumatic the wounds. When trying to help a parent or widow cope with grief, you must keep all the history that lies between them in mind.

My marriage was a highly complex relationship. It had as many facets to it as a prism, and many were highly charged with our pasts. As I am moving through the sudden agonizing moments of pain, last night I saw the truth clearly about an area of unexplored grief. In talking with an old friend, describing one aspect of our multi-faceted marriage, I doubled over in grief. It hit me hard that what I missed most was my husband's loving nurturing of the hurt damaged child in me. That hurt, frail, terrified child was safe with him always. He never failed her. Ever. For the first and only time in my life I allowed someone near enough to see into me and know the true depths of my abuse. He was ferocious in his need to protect me from my mother. And would immediately intervene when she would still try and harm me.

Identifying this loss of intimate love and compassion is key to overcoming the grief I feel. It is my belief that too many of us just simply lump grieving into a tidy package of "I miss him or her", and just soldier on through it. And our friends and family generally hope this is so. How sad that is, and what a waste. For within the deepest, most secret areas of our relationships, lie the seeds of healing for others. In allowing us to talk openly or even just to encourage a deeper look at just what it is you truly are grieving, you give a gift from your very soul.

Many familial relationships hold deep resentments and negative perceptions about siblings, parents or other relatives. Often by sharing deeply personal, but loving aspects of your marriage, you allow them to glimpse an unknown but often welcome side to your loved one. Is it difficult? A resounding yes! Is it worth it? For both sides it can be the beginnings of healing. My husband was a cold hard man, aloof and remote to many many people. A real tough guy. To discover this soft tender and wholly loving nurturing aspect of him is a treasure to many who knew him. When we do have our memorial service it will be this side of his deeply complex nature that will be rightly honored. The man who cried from love for his father and beloved sister. Who wept for a broken little lost girl. Who gave his last dollars to every homeless person he saw without fail.

How could anyone, finally understanding just this one case of complex grieving, so misunderstand it and assume ever again that a widow needs a replacement male or that she is a threat somehow to others? On our journey through grief, the best thing friends and family can do is try and see the whole cloth of the process. Stand back a bit and look at the loss through different deeper eyes. Try and encourage the bereaved to isolate the deepest areas of their loss and share. Help by creating the gift of an online grieving journal. Tell them you understand that life simply can't just continue on as it was. That you truly know this is a deep and ongoing process.

Offer anchors to help cement the memory of the loved one in a very permanent but thoughtful way. A memorial tree or rose bush are lovely things, providing a place of concrete remembrance. Donate them to your local park or gardens with a plaque. Freed from the aura of tombstones and cemeteries, this is a place of pure unfettered love they can visit. This will help create a solid bridge towards healing and a new beginning.

Encourage small indulgences. A day of beauty at a local salon, new outfits or perfume. Anything that begins to help start that long lonely walk from death back into life. In the process you will have created newer deeper friendships and bonds that will bring you both joy all your days.