Understanding Runaway Moms and Helpful Suggestions for Them

A few days ago I heard the "runaway mom" from Ohio say on the television show, Inside Edition, that she left her husband and one year old daughter because she felt no one paid attention to her anymore and no one would miss her. Can we understand where she is coming from emotionally?

I am a mother and can't imagine having left my daughter any time after her birth. She was and still is, the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Once she was conceived, my life centered around her and she was and still is, the main reason for my joy. But that's about me and my life.

Can a mother who feels as I do about their child(ren) understand the Ohio mother's reasoning for leaving her one year old daughter?

We should try to understand her in an unbiased way and have compassion for what she is going through, even though we might not agree with the initial decision she made to run.

Please keep in mind that this Ohio mother was not diagnosed as having post-partum depression, so this article is not considering that as her reason for leaving her baby.

After a woman gives birth to a child, we realize and most of us understand, that our life isn't about us anymore until the child turns 18 years old and for most of us, until the day we die. Other people tell us this before we consider having a child, but like everything else, we have to "walk in their shoes" to fully understand and feel the meaning of it. We decide to become pregnant and we think everything about having a child is going to be joyous and perfect. We think we are ready to have a child in our life. For some of us, like myself, this turns out to be true. For others it doesn't.

I think for those mothers who find out afterwards that having a child wasn't what they thought it would be, they fully haven't grown emotionally to the point of becoming a capable mother. Anyone can learn how to diaper and feed a baby, but the question should be...is a woman emotionally ready to have a child?

By running away from her one year old daughter, this Ohio mother is indirectly telling us that she wasn't ready emotionally to have a child. She still desired a lot of attention and to be noticed in life. She still wanted to shine through herself and not through someone else yet. Her husband worked a lot and was seldom home, so she was left alone each day to spend most of her time tending to a very needy, helpless baby. On that same interview on the television show, Inside Edition, she said that she left her baby daughter because she knew she had a father and grandparents who loved her and would take good care of her. To me, she really sounded okay with leaving her baby. She didn't want to be a mother anymore. She still wanted to be just a couple with another man, who liked her and only her. At one point in the interview when they were talking about how she staged her departure, she laughed. She actually thinks some of it is funny. Throughout the interview she didn't cry once.

A lot of people think that a woman who has a hard-working husband, a home and a child has a perfect life. It doesn't feel that way to some women, such as this Ohio mother. When a woman has all that, people around them say how lucky and blessed they are. It's hard to disappoint the ones you love. Some women are always so afraid to show their family that they are anything less than perfect. If a new mother expresses ambivalence about having a new baby to other family members they will be judged negatively as being selfish and "crazy." New mothers have to hide their feelings, until they get to the point where they can't anymore. Mothers such as this Ohio mom are tied between "the devil and the deep blue sea." They are saying to themselves, "I hate this, but no one will understand me if I say so." "What's wrong with me?" "Why am I not totally happy with a beautiful, healthy new baby, a hard-working husband, a roof over my head...?"

As with this Ohio mother, she meets a man out in public who pays attention to her, telling her she's beautiful...all that her husband doesn't do anymore. This other man makes her feel special, and noticed and pays attention to only her. She is the center of his universe. No baby involved to take away the attention from her.

Again, I ask...is a mother who has not been diagnosed as having post-partum depression justified to leave her child permanently because she doesn't want to be a mother anymore?

I don't think so. Once you have a child you have to put your child first whether you like it, or not. The baby is now here and you have to choose options that consider everyone's best interest. Life isn't only about 'me' anymore.

What are her options?

Reach out for help. There is help out there.

If a new mother feels she cannot deal with having a child at the moment, she should tell someone close to her no matter what it entails - even if it elicits a negative reaction from them. That is so irrelevant to the truth of the matter and the little baby involved. All mothers need some "sanity" time. Family members, friends and babysitters can help a mother arrange for some sanity time in her life. It's not being selfish. It's making time for 'me' which we all need.

If the new mother feels she needs more than just hours and days out, she should ask her husband, a family member, or a friend, to take care of the baby while she seeks psychotherapy and talks to several doctors about how she is feeling. If she would like her husband to stay close with her, but not the baby, arrangements - even long-term, can be made.

We had a relative in my family who felt she couldn't care for her newborn baby, after the baby was born. She asked a relative to take care of her and the relative did so for 6 months. After the 6 months, the new mother felt she was able to care for her baby again and she took her back home. Today this baby is married and a wonderful mother to 3 children.

A mother must think ahead about their child's emotional well-being. Luckily the Ohio mother's baby is only a year old. We don't know if the Ohio mother can go back into her marriage and take on the role of motherhood again. Imagine how we, as someone's child, would feel if we knew our mother had walked out on us and didn't want to be our mother anymore? We would be scarred emotionally for life.

I know of two children who were 7 and 9 years old at the time their mother left them and today they are adults who are still trying to mend the devastating psychological effects it left them with. It isn't fair to do this to a baby, or a child who parents brought into this world. The child didn't ask to be born.

If a mother feels they cannot turn to their husband, family, or friends, she can look through her local telephone book or go online, to find a free local mental health facility, or a therapist who specializes in Marriage & Family. If a mother feels she cannot wait for an appointment, she should immediately go to her nearest hospital emergency room.

Here are nine general toll-free numbers to call for help and referrals, which are available 24 hours a day, 7 days of the week:

1. Parents' Stress Hotline: 1-800-632-8188;
2. Parents Anonymous: 1-800-352-0386 (for parents worried they may abuse their children);
3. Parent Helpline: 1-800-942-4357;
4. Center for Child Protection and Family Support: 1-202-544-3144;
5. Covenant House Hotline: 800-999-9999;
6. Childhelp USA: 1-800-4-A-CHILD;
7. Crisis Help Line: 1-800-233-4357;
8. Boys Town: 1-800-448-3000 (National Hotline for children and families in crisis); and
9. Resolve: 1-617-643-2424 (for counseling services and referrals).
You can view other crisis help line telephone numbers at:
www.starcana.com/emergencycrisishotline.htm

We have to read a manual, take classes and take a test to get a driver's license, but unfortunately for some, we don't need to take classes and pass a test to become a parent. In situations such as with the Ohio mother, both mother and child are suffering, but in different ways.

Help is available.

And to all mothers of the bride and groom, please stop telling your children how much you can't wait to become a grandmother. If and when the time is right for the couple involved, they will let you know when they are pregnant, or thinking about becoming pregnant. They have to be willing, able and ready. Not you.