Understanding Writer's Block

Open mail. Pet the cat. Wash dishes. Water the flowers. Study interesting brown stain on carpet. Clip toenails. Make paper snowflakes. Stare out the window. Pet the cat again...

These and other similar thoughts were being thrust into my brain by my anti-muse to keep me from putting fingers to keyboard. Writer's block? Ha, ha, what an understatement! I had to change this-writing is my livelihood, and writer's block wreaks serious havoc on my cash flow.

When I suffer from writer's block, no one eats in my house. And when my three cats don't eat, it turns them into savage beasts bent on destroying the entire house, room by room. So it was really in everyone's best interest that I give this anti-muse a swift kick in her writer's block behind. I asked her, "What's up with all the petty distractions? Why'd you block me?"

"Your writer's block is a double dose of fear, my dear. Fear of failure and fear of success, all rolled up into a neat little ball. If you fail, you'll be laughed at, scorned, pitied, and forced to subsist on meager rations in a dim, dank room. If you succeed, everyone will know who you are. There will be nowhere to run or hide."

Wow. I had no idea writer's block could be so darn complicated!

So then I asked the anti-muse, "But if I work real hard, hone my craft, and write a screenplay that gets made into a movie starring Brad Pitt, wouldn't that be a good thing?"

"ARE YOU NUTS?" she roared. "If you write a screenplay and Brad Pitt stars in the movie, you might win an Oscar! How will you ever be able to stand up in front of all those people and give your Oscar acceptance speech? You might even trip on the way to the podium! Or go into paralysis and not be able to utter a peep! The mortification! No, you can't write a screenplay. No, no, no!"

It seemed pointless to tell the anti-muse that the odds of my writing an Oscar-winning screenplay were astronomical at best, even (or especially?) with Brad Pitt as the star. Besides that, less than one percent of all the people who watch the Oscar telecasts give a fig who wins the screenplay writing award. The anti-muse wasn't listening.

I shut down the computer and went back to studying that interesting brown stain on the carpet. What else could I do? Overcoming writer's block would have to wait for another day.