Unexpected Revelation : Adapting a Life Shaken Up by Change

My eyes scan over the calendar hoping that the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place. I'm yet again juggling the bills, trying to figure out the combination needed to pay them all and still have a bit left over for groceries. My glasses slip down my nose as I glance back at the stack of bills to check a due date and the amount. Aggravated, I shove the frames back up with my finger, only to have to adjust them a bit a second later. They are old, at least six or seven years old and the ear piece has broken. A bit of electrical tape holds the ear piece mostly in place but it still angles away from its' proper position causing the frames to sit askew on my face. I only wear them when I absolutely have to give my eyes a break from the contacts.

My finger skims across the page, the dates flitting past. On the blue of the page the red heart stands out like a beacon. Confused I stop and stare, working the date over in my mind. I can't remember why I would have marked this particular day, why was it special? With dawning comprehension, I realize what it symbolized. That was the day that happy couples planned to spend together, to make romantic memories. I wasn't planning anything; I had no expectations of a cozy dinner and a loved one on the other side of the table to make eyes at. I was too busy planning a divorce. We were ending our relationship at exactly the same time that five years earlier we had begun it.

It was a friendly divorce, but a divorce all the same. I was splitting up my world, carving out bits of my life and handing them off to somebody else. We were mentally marking things in the house, mine, his, ours. We were making deals left and right. I'd like to keep that. He'd prefer that more than I would. This painting means more to him. I love that book. Most of our things had been bought together, as with any couple. We were bargaining with our possessions. I'll give on this one if you'll let me keep that.

We'd known it was over for months before we agreed to the end of our marriage. The tension in the house had mounted and built until it seemed it would explode and take out everything with it. It had become a waiting game, who would say it first. I didn't want to break; he was too stubborn to give an inch. Finally, I caved. We sat and talked, truly talked for the first time in months. There were no angry words and no accusations; though I'm sure each of us had many we could have made. There was a lot of pain and hurt. It was like sticking a needle in an infection. Sure it hurts at first, but afterward you only feel the relief as the pressure drains away.

He moved his stuff to the spare room until he could find a place. I cried in private. I waited until night, when I was alone in bed, to let my tears fall. I didn't want him to know this was tearing me apart inside. I wasn't going to change my mind but it was the only life I had known for five years and here I was, walking away. We had both agreed it was for the best since neither of us was happy together anymore. Still, my heart cried out as bits of my world slipped away from me. My inner demons took this as an excuse to frolic in the garden of my mind. They held hands and danced in circles like grade school children at recess. Only, instead of red rover, they chanted "you're alone, it's over".

I knew this wasn't going to be easy. We were both trying to make it easier on the other, to cause less pain. For the first time in our marriage we were thinking of each other and being considerate of the other's feelings. Sad that it had to take us leaving each other for it to happen.

A tear splashed down on the heart. I hadn't even realized I was crying. I wiped the drop of moisture away with my thumb, smearing the red ink. Suddenly I saw the pattern. I could pay this bill here, a little early, make the minimum on this bill just before the due date and I would be set for the month. Ruefully I shook my head; I wouldn't have imagined two months before that I was capable of handling the bills like this. Always before, they had been his domain. Numbers had never been my forte because they confused me; despite how logical I knew them to be they seemed illogical in my mental world of words. Sometimes we need our world shaken like a snow globe just to show us that we do have what it takes to make it through.

My world had certainly been shaken, and now I was realizing that I was a strong person. I would be able to make it through this. Numbers would never be my friends like words were, but we at least had a nodding acquaintance now rather than the extreme aversion in place not too long ago. I could have despaired of ever understanding them, but I wasn't willing to give up that quickly. This was just one lesson I was to learn as I stepped out onto the path of life. Life changes; it changes us and that which is around us, but we can shape the results by our reaction or non reaction to it.