Unhappy Endings

Jayci sat on the edge of her bed, resisting the urge to flop face-down and cry. Her watery green eyes stared out her window and in them was reflected her tree. She had lived in this house since she was fifteen and had used that tree to hold her treehouse, used its branches for undetected escapes out her window with friends as a teen, and sat beneath its foliage reading her summers away. Today it provided a gentle reminder that life isn't always so hard or painful.

At twenty-seven Jayci was not where she had thought she would be. She hadn't married, had no children and was no longer happy. Her breakup with her boyfriend Dane wasn't helping her mood; she hated her current job at the department store, and all she seemed to have energy for was sleeping and crying. Her waist-length honey blonde hair was tousled from her previous "flop and cry" and she stared at her hardwood floor while her polished toes mindlessly scraped back and forth ruining her pedicure.

She was losing the battle with her emotions and flopped backwards on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Jayci couldn't understand how she had gotten to this point in her life. How had she become such a failure? She had been an honor student in both high school and college. She was pretty, outgoing, had tons of friends....her family wasn't rich, but had enough money for her to have the things the "in" kids had, she went to an Ivy League University, dated the most popular boy, paid for her first car by herself.

And yet, years later she was "stuck" in a small town working at a department store and somehow couldn't maintain a relationship with the man she'd met right after she graduated. She had lost her high paying job at a city art gallery when it unexpectedly closed its doors and then lost her mother to cancer. She lost her house because she couldn't find another job that would pay her the same as she had made and she'd had to move into a small apartment. She had to sell her car and trade down to an older vehicle that she hated because she needed money for first and last month's rent and security deposit and installation fees for her utilities. Suddenly her life went from feeling like life to feeling like a chore. Everything felt difficult to do, handle and think about. She felt like she was losing her mind. Now Dane was gone. She felt so empty and unwanted and stupid.

She stood up and walked into her bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror over the sink. Her eyeliner was smeared, her eyes were puffy from crying and she saw in her reflection shades of the woman she would become in old age. She burst into tears. Her sobs became uncontrollable and she couldn't stop thinking about how if she could only do something right -- anything -- none of this would have happened and she would still be happy. Her heart physically hurt. She didn't see how she could take any more loss or frustration or rejection. She sank onto the tiled floor and cried until she could breathe again.

Hours later she once again stood and stared at herself in the mirror. She smiled as the idea came into her head. She felt better having a plan of action and for the first time in months smiled a real smile. Her eyes once again were her own and not glassed over empty voids. She went to her bedroom and made some calls. She went through her closet and sorted out bags of things to donate to charity. She went through her kitchen cupboards and chose food to donate to the homeless shelter she walked past every day to work. She felt better than she had in months.

After running her errands she once again returned to her bathroom. She opened the bag she'd gotten at the drug store and took four bottles of over-the-counter sleeping pills. She ran a hot bath and soaked her aching body in coconut scented bubbles. When she was feeling sleepy she picked up the razor blade and a tear slipped from her beautiful shining eye. She wiped it away with a smile and cut open both her wrists and both forearms. It hurt and she cried, but she smiled knowing there wouldn't be any more pain or torment. She couldn't fail at anything else or drag anyone else down with her like Dane had claimed she was doing with him. No one wanted her. No one needed her. This was best. She'd just stop everything and go be with her mother.

She died alone and naked in her bathtub. When the police and paramedics were called the bubbles were gone, the water was cold and red and for the first time in months Jayci had a smile on her face. There would be no more tears from Jayci. Dane, however, couldn't get the image of Jayci lying in blood out of his head.

He had realized that he had been harsh, he hadn't been there for Jayci when she had needed him when her mother died. He hadn't supported her emotionally when she had lost the house or her job and he had realized that without her in his life he had nothing to smile about. No one to smile with. He had come back to tell her that. Instead, when the police were removing Jayci from the house Dane stopped them and took the small box from his pocket, opened it and put the engagement ring on Jayci's cold finger.

He didn't start crying until he'd gotten back home and sat down in his chair. His boss found him two days later -- the gun just inches from his hand.