Unhealthy Friendships: Is it Time to Look for a New Best Friend?

Several years ago, I was forced to end a long friendship because the friend involved (I'll call her Jacky) was so demanding of my time that I could not even enjoy an occasional lunch or visit on the phone with another person without my "best" friend Jacky insisting on knowing every detail of what went on in my life when she wasn't around. I couldn't have a meal with my family in peace, because Jacky was sure to call at least once during the dinner hour. My husband got to the place where he didn't even answer the phone, because he figured it would be Jacky for me.

Jacky and I did do a lot of things together. We pushed baby strollers as we took long walks around town when our babies were small. We helped each other plan birthday parties for our kids. We visited on the phone, and shared the latest gossip. (Well, we called it news, but I'll admit that most of the time it was just plain old gossip. If one of our husbands forgot an anniversary or valentine's day, guess who we told first?

I couldn't imagine my life without Jacky in it, and she seemed to feel the same way about me.

After our children finished middle school and started getting into different activities I noticed that Jacky and I were, necessarily, spending more time apart, but this was no big problem. We still had our phone calls and met at least once a week at the mall for lunch.

As time went on, I joined a couple of groups Jacky didn't belong to, and began to make a few new friends. It was kind of fun, getting to know other people after so many years of everyone thinking of Jacky and I as practically "joined at the hip." Now and then, I invited one of these new friends over for coffee and cookies to get to know them better.

One day, Jacky stopped by to find me entertaining a new friend, and that afternoon I got an e-mail accusing me of not caring about her any more. She said that I never seemed to have time for her, and that she resented having to "share" me with strangers she didn't even know.

I was shocked. I had no idea that she felt that way so I made a huge effort to include her in everything after that. The sad thing was that the only time she was the old Jacky I had cherished as a friend was when no one else was with us. When one of my new friends was included, Jacky clammed up, or made rude remarks that totally ruined the get-together.

If I was away from home for several hours, Jacky would come over or phone as soon as I got home to ask where I had been, who I had been with, etc. Honestly, she began to seem more like a jealous husband than a good friend.

Several times, I confronted Jacky on the subject. Most of the time, she just denied her behavior when I pointed it out to her, and said I was the one who had changed. That I didn't care about spending time with her anymore. Where we had formerly agreed on almost everything from religion to politics, it now seemed that we had totally opposite opinions on any subject that came up, although I suspected that she was taking the opposite view just to irritate me. Being Jacky's friend was no longer fun.

Is there a time when you have to give up on a friendship---no matter how long it has lasted up to this point? I think there is, and I did give up on my friendship with Jacky.

It wasn't easy, but, in the end, I think it was better for both of us. Maybe you have a friendship that you've clung to far longer than you should have. Here are some questions to ask yourself that may help you decide what to do about it.

1. Has your friendship turned into more of a habit than a friendship?

This happens a lot. Since you have been getting together for years, neither of you wants to be the one to end the tradition, but maybe you could both be using the time to develop other more meaningful friendships, instead.

2. Do you find yourself at a loss for things to talk about with your friend?

Of course you can solve this problem by getting some new interests, or reading a good book to share when you get together, but if you and your friend catch each other glancing at your watches to see if you've already spent enough time together, it's time to re-evaluate the friendship. Life is too short to waste just marking time with anyone, no matter how long they have been your friend.

3. Is your friend too possessive? (Or are you?)

Does your friend "grill" you about other friendships or how you spend your time when you are apart? They may just be interested, but if they seem to resent your other friendships, your friend is getting too possessive. You might want to check your own behavior for signs of over-possessiveness, too.

4. Do you look forward to meetings with your friend?

We all have days when we thing, "Oh, no. Today is the day I'm supposed to have lunch with ________" That's okay to occasionally wish we weren't already committed to meet a friend, but if this is your usual reaction, maybe it's time to reconsider the value of a particular relationship. If you want to keep the friendship, perhaps a longer time between get-togethers will help.

5. Are you just staying in a friendship because you don't know how to end it?

You know your "friend." If there is a chance that breaking off the friendship will devastate him or her, do it slowly. Meet less and less frequently by having other things come up that demand your attention. If your work schedule if flexible, change your hours so that you are less available. Offer to baby-sit your grandchildren across town more frequently. Be creative.

If your friend is the type that prefers people to "level" with him or her, tell them that you think you have been growing apart because you are both developing other interests, and that maybe you should just meet for lunch once in a while instead of on a regular schedule. That way, you can still be casual friends, but neither of you will be too dependent upon the other person. If you find you would like to spend an hour or so with them, pick up the phone and give them a spur-of-the-moment call.

If you have noticed that the things that once drew you together as friends, such as political or religious views, have totally changed, be blunt and say so. Tell them that you don't think you have enough in common any more to justify spending a lot of time together. Your friend may surprise you and say, "I've been thinking the same thing, but just didn't know how to tell you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because a friendship ends the two of you have to become enemies. Try to part on a friendly note and, someday, somewhere, you may run into that old friend and find out that you once more have something in common with each other.

A rekindled friendship could end up to be the best friendship you ever had.