Universal Studios - the Off-season

Wanna play hookey and poo-poo the boss? Call in sick and go to Universal Studios in Orlando mid-week in March or April. The crowds are light, the performers, well seasoned and the prices moderate. A cute trick to miss the parking lines is to have breakfast at the Hard Rock Hotel, or the Portofino Bay Hotel, then take the boat to the park. You can have your parking ticket validated when you have your meal, and so you park for free. You will feel like a million bucks.

The rides may be familiar. "Twister" has not changed in years, nor has the "Earthquake." So what if they are looking a little phat and rusty? So are you. Suspend your disbelief like you did for Disney's "Tomorrowland" after it was well past its prime and fully depreciated too. The rides still are fun, and the kids think they are brand new. Why who is Charleton Heston anyway? That's where you come in, tell the kids about Been-Hurry.

The main attraction is the "Mummy." This ride is a true roller coaster style, and is loaded with surprises. I will not spoil it for you. A word of warning. If you are carrying anything, it must be stored in a locker before you can ride. These new-fangled lockers are as fun as the "Solitaire" game in "Windows." They work by reading your fingerprint, instead of a key. Very James Bond. But be prepared to spend Money, Penny, if you don't retrieve your stash within two hours.

Another ride that you will need to store your purse for is the "Alien Attack MIB." MIB sits you on a coaster body with as many as nine other tourists. Each seat has a laser gun, and not a tray table. Your laser pointer scores points when you hit the pop-up aliens, kind of like a science fiction whack a mole. After the ride is over, you can compare scores with your party. This ride can be very disorienting, almost to the point of motion sickness. The hot breath of flames will keep you from needing sea-sick pills.

Yes, the rides will amuse, but the most entertainment per square foot is found in the shows. The "Beetlejuice Rockin' Review" had the script, make-up, music and talent to coax the grandmas and the toddlers to a raucous rockin' good time just at the edge of raunchy. You will laugh till your bones shake, and I am not saying that because they are paying me. The Van Helsling make-up show was over the top funny, and loaded with surprises. I would tell you what they are, but then I would have to kill you.

Would you like to earn a few bucks as a Hollywood critic? You can sit in as a test subject and rate a TV pilot program, before the critics get to take it to "Survivor" island. You will get to dismember the whole production with no commercial interruption. Try not to act like you enjoyed the experience too much, or next time, they might be charging YOU admission, instead of paying you CASH.