Universal Styles of Love

Have you noticed that no previous relationship compares to the present one? And that the way you behave and share your love with to the person next to you is different from the way you loved in the past? All these happen, although you have the same personality traits as always, you love with the same intensity and you like the same things, having the same dreams and maybe the same expectations from your partner, as you have had in the past.

There are many ways to love and even more ways to show our feelings. We are unique individuals and express our feelings in a unique way. Often, according to an unwritten and confuse law, unconsciously or not, we love and behave in the same way we would want to be loved. This is the moment when arises a potential danger that can threaten an apparently successful relationship.

We love like some teenagers, we love with passion and intensively, we love superficial or we are distant when it comes about showing our love. We love with our mind, we love with our soul. We love with our body. We love in a certain way and expect for the others to act in a similar way. Not always the individual style of showing love overlaps perfectly or fully completed to our partner style. Therefore, to understand what gestures and what love proofs are closer to the soul of your partner, learn to know your own style of showing affection. Nobody can teach us how to love, but we all perceive differently the other's love proofs. For some people, love consists in physical touches; for other, love means sweet words or a simple encouraging smile, a handshake or other small, but important gestures.

The Theory of Love or why do we love in a certain way

The way in which we develop our emotional connections with others depends largely on our affective experience and the love that we had as children, starting with the first 18 months of life, according to Milan and Kay Yerkovitch in the book "How we love". The theory of love can be applied to many people and we can explain why we develop a certain emotional behavior towards the beloved one. If our parents responded appropriately to the child's needs of affectivity, providing him emotional comfort, then, unconsciously, the child who is now an adult, will be able to express his feelings in the right way. He learned to receive love and knows how to share it. But if for more or less objective reasons, parents were unable to show their love? If the child did not receive enough love, is he still able to offer love? Answering these questions, Milan and Kay Yerkovitch identify several individual styles of expression of love towards the life partner, styles starting from manifestations of love received in childhood:

The disinterested style

People who can adopt this behavior towards their partner have had in childhood disinterested parents who chosen incorrectly the way of showing their love, who have not done it at all, or who have shown love insufficiently. As adults, these persons may be deprived of a certain emotional sensitivity and, in turn, they can be accused of negligence or lack of interest towards their partner; they may be slightly selfish, have high aspirations in life and feel better when their life partner doesn't require emotionally too much.

The Perfectionist style

The attitude adopted by an unsatisfied person towards his partner may have roots in the overly protective, critical or always dissatisfied behavior his parents had in childhood towards him. It is very possible that, when he was a child, the perfectionist have felt fear in his relationship with the others and tried to reduce these feelings by thanking them. As an adult, the perfectionist hesitates to ask or accept help from his partner, as he is afraid of being rejected or criticized, and therefore, sometimes he can be extremely jealous and vindictive.

The Vacillating style

It is not excluded that the parents of a vacillating person have had an emotionally confusing behavior, offering him sometimes extremely many proofs of affection and other times- total disinterest. As a consequence, the child has learned to focus not on his own availability or emotional needs, but on the emotional needs of his parents, becoming very vigilant when it comes about identifying the feelings of others. As an adult, the vacillating can be hypersensitive. The sudden changes in his partner attitude disappoint him and make him feel rejected, dreaming often to an unreal love.

Authoritarian Style and the Victim Style

In the book "How we love", the two characters are associated with chaotic styles of love towards their partner, following the emotional interaction with parents. As children, they have been neglected by parents, not being taken into consideration or have been victims of abuse. In both cases, the parents, instead of solving their children problems, have been themselves some problems, as the children felt it because of feelings of anger, fear or confusion. Therefore, in couple, the authoritarian partner manifests the desire to dominate his partner, and the victim gives up too easy. Both partners develop chaotic relationships, based on chaotic feelings.

Sources:

• How we love by Milan and KayYerkovich
  
• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_styles
  
• family.jrank.org/.../Love-Love-Styles.html