Unknown and Fear

Adventures we embark on that take us away from our loved one's for a period of time and the fear of the unknown can be a breaking point for some while for others can bring them closer together realizing what they have and appreciate it more. Life is so complicated these days in which we have to juggle school, work and family. The time we want to give to all of the above, we may not always be able to do and can at times feel a sense of guilt and/or letting the other person down. Our egos, pride, the need to be perfect, whatever you call it, can present itself and get in the way and ruin some of the best things (i.e. relationships and friendships) to happen to us. Why you ask? Could it be because we didn't ask the other person how they were feeling and put undue weight on our shoulders or to use as an excuse to avoid the topic and walk away? Often saying,"you deserve someone who can..." and not "what is it that you want or what can I do to show you how I care?" Something interesting to read, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I am currently reading it and am on the second love language which is quality time. This book is hard to read for it is so truthful and makes you think and realizing I like dating my opposite and the challenges it brings.

Life is hard, but yet the rewards and experiences received are more than worth the risk of the unknown, being hurt and being imperfect. There is no right way or wrong way to do something for each situation and/or scenario is case by case. No amount of book learning and watching t.v. can cover what humans feel and experience on an emotional level when faced with a challenge. All we can do is face it head on and do our best and hope at the end of the day the other person will still love us for our imperfections and continue to stay the course with us. I don't think it is any fun anyways to know all of the answers, but yet we want to control for that is what we see advertised every day. Perhaps, the control we don't have, we should embrace for it is an oppotunity to be vulnerable, open and willing to learn something new.

What is easier, fighting love, or giving into love? When you fall in love, you fall, but when you avoid love, now how much energy is spent on which? What about goals and aspirations? How much more effort is put in to avoiding than to try and accomplish them? I have been wanting to live aborad for awhile. All those frustrations and saying I am going to do something and now I am going to do it. and not by choice To think if I would have done it already, I wouldn't be going on this trip and would be working on another goal or aspiration by choice....lesson learned on that one.

Many say I am strong and because I am older and wiser (so they say), I should have the answers and more experience right? Wrong. I can tell many stories of failures, but only talk about the successes for I don't care to dwell on the failures, but I have failed. I will share one. I haven't been the best at relationships, go figure. I can blame my parents being divorced, but I was loved and cared for a lot so the lack of married parents didn't bother me for I had other good role models. My father was and is still around. However, I have chosen not to be around him for I consider my grandfather my father figure so there is little I see lost or missed. The problem with those married role models was that I never saw them fight. If they disagreed, they just went along with the show. With my grandparents, whoever got home first, cooked. They had their own interests, but were there for each other. Too easy right?

When is anyone ever ready to fall in love or be in a relationship? When is it a good time? It's never been a good time for me and probably never will be, yet love is too good to pass up. I experienced love for a short amount of time, but it felt like a lifetime until it abrubtly ended after a couple of months. I can say that once you have experienced being loved and/or being in love and lose it, you want to experience the feeling of both people giving themselves to each other on a deep spiritual level again and won't settle for less. The very thing you try to avoid, you want the most.

When I say I am ready to go, I am ready to go and come back as soon as possible. I am already thinking about when I get back and not when I am over there. I don't like my life being turned upside down, but the waiting for me is most stressful. For the time is has taken to come to terms and acceptance, the worrying and planning, I could have been done and home by now.