Unrealty

A couple years ago, I accepted a job in South Carolina, and so I put my Florida home up for sale. I had three things going for me:

1. The house was undamaged by the 2004 hurricane season

2. The house was not in a flood zone

3. The house was over twenty feet from the nearest registered sexual predator

I expected the property to move quickly, but never foresaw what would happen next. My house became a player in a furious bidding war. Here's a quick timeline:

Listing Day Seventeen

• realtors show up with 15 potential buyers and 2 registered sexual predators.

Next Day

• 10am: I get my first offer - $5 thousand less than my listing price, and the buyer wants me to fix the fence, which I do not own. I make a counter-offer.
• 1pm: I get my second offer - $2 thousand under the list price, and no repairs required. I hold out.
• 2pm: I get my third offer - $6 thousand MORE than my original price, and no repairs required. I go to lunch.
• 3pm: First Offer Guy counters by meeting my original offer.

Third Day

• 10am: I get my fourth offer - $40 thousand above my price, and the buyer will pay all closing costs.
• 2pm: First Offer Guy mumbles something about paying closing costs. No word from Second Offer Guy.
• 3pm: Third Guy doubles his offer to $350 thousand, and throws in a yacht club membership. I go to lunch. In Brazil.
• 4pm: First Offer Guy phones up, sobbing. Offers to swing round and fix my fence.

Later That Day...

• Had to change realtors, as both she and my priest were convicted of being sexual predators. I was absolutely shocked to hear this about a realtor.

Next Day

• 8am: Fourth Guy offers $500 thousand, cash, and I can keep the roof.
• 9am: #3 offers $1 million in bullion, a BMW, and asks if I've planned for my kids' college education.
• 2pm: #4 offers $8 million in off-shore bearer bonds and my own Congressman.
• 4pm: First Offer Guy chains himself to my fence, announces hunger strike.
• 6pm: Fence collapses on First Offer Guy.

Last Day

• 4am: My house disappears into a sinkhole. #3 doubles his offer.
• 1pm: First Offer Guy is accosted by a registered sexual predator, who proposes marriage.

Closing Day

• 8am: #4 offers $22 million, and agrees to bear my children.
• 9am: #3 offers $100 million. I get a call from John Kerry, who proposes marriage.
• 11pm: First Offer Guy is arrested trying to jimmy an ATM.

So. I was soon sailing off to South Carolina in my new yacht, with $100 million, a new BMW, a new wife, a new husband, a new priest, and 2.4 kids on the way.

And, in spite of everything, there are STILL some that will say that Florida is bizarre...