Unto Thee, O Lord Do I Lift Up My Soul

Driving home one afternoon, alone for a change. The kids at home with their Dad, the car loaded with groceries. My mind turned to a subject that had become more and more pressing lately.

I'd been a Christian warrior at one time, but after my marriage, things seemed to just slip away. I seldom prayed any more, and when I did it was a prayer of desperation. It seemed as if God had hidden His face from me.

For fourteen years I floundered on the edge of truly knowing Him. Before that I had been 'on fire' - witnessing, taking part in a local ministry, and keeping God in the very center of my life.

I knew what I was missing, but I didn't know how to get it back, so on this cool and slightly gray afternoon I was remembering. Songs and people and feelings from long ago drifted through my mind as the highway stretched in front of me.

I hummed a few of the old songs, then one in particular came to mind. It was Psalm 25, set to music. We'd sung it at our Sunday meeting at the 'old folks home' years ago. I'd even preached a little about it. I started to sing it.

"Unto Thee, Oh Lord, do I lift up my soul...
Unto Thee, Oh Lord, do I lift up my soul...
Oh, my God... "

The next words were 'I trust in Thee'. I just couldn't sing them. Did I really trust in the Lord? Could I? This question cut into my soul and had to be answered.

I well remember the deepest breath and the feeling of jumping over a cliff, when I finally answered 'Yes. Yes, I trust You. Yes. Yes to whatever tomorrow You have planned for me.'

I drove on home in utter silence, both physically and spiritually. It was as if everything had been drained out of me, so awesome was the realization that I had just given everything over to the Lord. All of my future.

It's been a few years since that happened. All I can say is that when God says 'Trust me', you'd better believe that you will learn to.

Have things gone well for me since? Not in the world's eyes. My husband left me. My son moved out. Our church went after 'strange doctrine' and I could no longer feel comfortable there. I was afraid I couldn't make enough money to live on. I gained weight. I was depressed and felt that I had a reason to be.

Now and then those words came back to haunt me. "Oh, my God, I trust in Thee... "

One evening a storm hit with typical Colorado suddenness. I was on the internet, trying to communicate with friends, and kept losing connection. All I remember was a lot of blank screen then something popped up that sent a chill down my back.

"I have a plan, saith the Lord. A plan to prosper you and not to hurt you". Where it came from, or where I was on the internet when it showed up, I have no idea, but I knew He was speaking directly to me.

I remember the exact spot in the kitchen that I stood and prayed: 'If you have a plan, show it to me, so I can follow it'.

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you would mess it up."

Stunned? Yes. I laughed. I cried. And I remembered.

"Oh, my God.. I trust in Thee.
Let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me."

It would be nice to end this by saying I now trust the Lord in everything all the time and life is simply glorious... except that it doesn't work that way. Until we come to that place of perfection that is not of this world, we will always struggle to trust our God more completely, more fully, more deeply.

Up until then, there had always been a safety net in my life. If I couldn't make it when I was younger, mom and dad would take up the slack. Even after the divorce, I knew that I was not completely without because, at first there was alimony, then child support.

All that ran out.

Now it's only me and God. And, sure, I tell myself that God will never fail me. He tells me He won't. And now and then I go and read Psalm 25:1, just to be sure.