Unwanted Attention: A Personal Story About Horrible Ways to Pick Up Women

Often times when I have spare time on the weekends, and spare enough cash, I like to go to the local watering holes! Some are bars, and a few are the club type atmosphere's with dance floors. In college when I went out to those bars, I usually went with friends or sometimes a guy I was interested in. It was always a fun atmosphere enjoying time out with friends drinking and dancing, while socializing with people we knew. I came to realize, as I ventured out to other areas and went to bars in those places, that the college crowd I had been around in that small college town had gotten me used to manners and certain protocol in the dating pool. No one really tried to grope me, conversation was at least very cordial, people held doors open, and I didn't really get hit on very much but enjoyed a joke or conversation with a fellow bar patron.. Social outings in that atmosphere were usually pretty calm, and I never felt like I was being pursued. After the college bar experience, I came to know the interesting and unsettling world of the post-college life and the career folk out at the local bars.

Let me tell you, most of my experiences were alright if I came with a big group of friends and wasn't left alone, but the minute I went up by myself to get a drink the shady slimy men came out for grabs. Often times they would say something to me, and if I was sober and possibly irritated at how long the bartender was taking, or over some other issue, I would ignore it or simply nod my head and go back to my business. I made a point not to give too much eye contact, because to pretty much all heterosexual males, that would indicate interest. So, I personally felt it was in my best interest to just avoid talking or eye contact unless I wanted to pursue further conversation with this person, but mostly I would get my drink and go back with my group. I can sound pretty judgmental here, but if I wasn't attracted to someone physically, then there wasn't much of a chance for conversation to happen as I'm waiting on my drink to go back and visit with friends. At this point in my life and experience of the night life, I've learned that very few people at the bar are the type I'd want to date, so making an attempt to get to know someone when I already had a group to hang out with wasn't on my list of things to do. On the few occasions I went up to get a drink in a better or more intoxicated mood, I would casually laugh at a conversation or someone would say something and offer a hug, then their hand would slide down passed my waist to cop a feel. This is sexual harassment. In no way did I ask to be groped, nor did I express that it was consensual after it happened. However, instead of making a big deal like I should, and verbally correcting someone or slapping their hand away, I became good at evading the hand. I developed a move to twist away out of their grasp before they could get inappropriate, then felt angry and saddened that I couldn't trust most men at the bars to keep their paws to themselves. I felt defeated as a strong woman for not addressing the issue and embarrassing this random guy who thought he could treat me like a piece of meat, but in the end I wanted to ignore it so I wouldn't cause a fight, and just slink back to my table. I don't know what is more disappointing; my failure to correct the behavior, or the fact that I'd actually have to verbally tell a grown man not to touch me inappropriately.

So I learned lessons while out in the older non-college bar scene, and felt more aware of any male presence in the area than I had before. I became very self conscious about what I wore, who I looked at, and how I sat. Its natural for females to be aware of what is around them while they are out as a necessary means of self protection, which we are taught to be hyper aware of from a very young age, but I didn't like it. I didn't appreciate feeling like I had to be on my guard once my boyfriend left me at a table by myself to go to the bathroom or get a drink. Why is it necessary to protect ourselves so much from unwanted attention? When did the dating scene really turn into a divide and conquer battle strategy? I mean I do understand that this is the preferred way for some women to meet men, but that generally goes without saying that these women probably gave some indication that they were interested. In most of the awkward situations I was put in by these men, I never even looked their way. I am a relatively thin attractive female with no major facial deformities, so I realize that by being out at a bar I can put myself in a category to be pursued simply by being there. I just hate feeling like prey. Just because I'm sitting alone at a table does not mean I need some kindly gentleman to come over and see "what's wrong". The first few times I was approached without provocation was while my boyfriend had gone to the bathroom. I started text messaging friends and playing on my phone because I noticed a group of guys to my left, and wanted to avoid giving them any reason to believe they had a right to come talk to me. Just as the boyfriend leaves this guy says to me, "what's wrong", and I attempt to ignore him because there's no way he could have missed the guy sitting next to me kissing me just seconds before. He persists and says "hey what's wrong" and by this point I'm annoyed because I've given no indication that I've even acknowledged him, have purposely ignored his first attempt, and haven't been staring off into the distance wishing someone would save the day and ask me what is, in fact, wrong. So I finally had to send the message, I looked up slowly glared in his direction angrily without smiling or turning my body that way, and then went back to my text messaging. That seemed to have gotten the point across quite nicely.

Then there was this nicer more polite, yet still unwanted suitor who had seen me sitting alone while I was waiting on my boyfriend to get back with a drink, and my other friends were out dancing while I sat with their purses. He comes over and says something along the lines of "I rarely come up to people to ask them to dance, but this is my favorite song and I was wondering if you'd join me" (sexual healing huh? Well isn't that special). So I pointed over to the bar and mentioned that my boyfriend would be back with my drinks, and that shooed him off rather politely. I remember as he left that I wished all the other experiences had gone as smoothly.

Then there's the type of guy that is most annoying, and has usually had a few to drink. This type of guy tries to approach me, as I come out of the bathroom. I'm walking past him, and clearly walk in the farthest pathway from him to avoid him, because right as I come out of the bathroom I see him focus his attention on me. I quickly try to walk by the group of girls sitting near him, but he sees this as a request for further attempts, and moves over to my direction as I'm walking to put his hand up in the air. He screams "high five" and I just duck and keep on walking. He is clearly rejected and makes up for this embarrassment by screaming a "f*** you" across to me. I ignored him, but was irritated for most of the night after that. I'm not bothered by the polite people too much even though there's been no invitation for your query, just be polite and receive your denial with grace enough to walk away. What really irks me is the guys that go out of their way to talk to me when I'm trying my best to ignore them or the guy that asks me to dance, when I clearly have not even looked in your direction. I am even using body language to try my hardest to convey that I'm not interested. I know its difficult sometimes in the bad night club lighting, but please don't keep insisting that anyone do anything with you after the initial denial unless you know them personally. This gets on my nerves the most, because it interrupts my time out with an annoyance that I have to worry about, and give more direct, less polite responses that may piss the guy off and get a fight started.

So all in all, I've decided the best response is to just avoid all confrontations with these oh-so-debonair wannabes, these drunken party boys, and these carnivorous loners by not sitting at a table alone, and trying to ignore most of the attempts at conversation just as I'm exiting the bathroom. Sometimes you can't avoid an issue with these types of guys but having friends around makes it easier to avoid and brush off the unwanted attention. Its not a huge change of behavior, and I can't ask that all drunken males please conform to what I personally deem suitable, but when it comes down to it sometimes the crowd is what needs to be changed.

Through most of my difficult and irritating experiences there has come a silver lining and a light at the end of the tunnel, I actually met my boyfriend at a local night spot. He was walking by and I was sitting at a table that had just been vacated by a friend, so I asked him to sit down partly in an effort to have my choice of who I was hit on, but mostly because I was interested in his personality and attracted to him physically. He proceeded to have a lovely little conversation albeit intoxicated yet charming, and we traded numbers. We hit it off from the start because we started off with a conversation, not a grope or an inappropriate dance move. He treated me with respect, and actually sat down to talk to me when he was invited by me to do so. He didn't invade my space, or interrupt anything I was doing to steal my attention, but once he had it, he made great use of it by being very well mannered and respectful. The way to pick up a chick at a bar is to engage her in conversation in a mutually agreed location, or an area where bodily contact can be at a polite distance, and actually pay attention to things she says. Unless you just want a quick non committal one nigh stand, it would be wise to follow the advice of someone who knows all too well the wrong way to talk to a woman.