Unwritten Rules of the Men's Restroom

Apparently, there are still many men out there who never learned the unwritten code regarding proper behavior in a public restroom. Whereas the home bathroom is a private sanctuary in which men all over the world can catch up on the latest sports news, contemplate life, or sing the "Star-Spangled Banner" at the top of their lungs without consequences, the public restroom has a strict code of conduct passed down from our forefathers. Legend has it (though men aren't sure because we never write anything down) that Org, a prehistoric caveman, called a meeting of other cavemen to determine proper bathroom etiquette after Torg rudely used the tree next to his to, er, "contemplate life." The meeting soon devolved into debating whether Troga or Moga was the hotter cavewoman twin, but not before some useful rules governing bathroom behavior were established. So for all those who need a refresher course, here they are in no particular order.

1. When faced with your choice of urinals, always take the one at the very end that is farthest from the door. This is just common courtesy, allowing all later arrivals and possible "emergency" users to choose a closer one.

2. Never, EVER, take a urinal right next to someone unless it is absolutely unavoidable. This is known as the "Torg Rule." For example, if a bathroom has six urinals, and 1 and 3 are taken, you may proceed to numbers 5 or 6. 2 and 4 are off limits until the restroom reaches critical mass.

3. Never take your position directly in the middle if others are open, even if you're the only person that you know of that is going to use that bathroom. This is a modifier to Rule 1. There is ALWAYS a chance that you could get company. Don't make the poor newcomer make a difficult choice. A good rule of thumb is "The farther you are away from a fellow user, the better."

4. Always stand directly to the side of the next user and remain in his peripheral vision. Don't make others nervous by standing in their blind spot.

5. No talking. EVER! If you can only remember two rules, make this one of them. Better yet, don't make any noise at all. Let's pretend we're ninjas.

6. NEVER look to the side! Not even if you think Joe Montana is standing next to you. This is punishable by death, or at least a lifetime ban from using public restrooms. The only acceptable places to look are down or straight ahead.

7. If you're at a sporting event and have to deal with lines, leave at least 6 feet between the current user and the next in line.

8. Never use a toilet designed for extended use if you only have to go #1. This is just mean. You could cause a major disaster to some unfortunate fellow who tried to hold it for the entire 5th inning before realizing that he was facing a life and death situation.

9. Always flush and always wash your hands! Enough said.

10. Never make eye-contact. This protects user anonymity. If you never saw the dude who had a nightmare of a time in stall #3, then you won't care when you high five him 20 minutes later when your team scores a touchdown.

Public restrooms are a necessary evil. They take people that have spent their whole lives building up walls of privacy and throw them together at the worst possible times. On the other hand, they save society from people going where they please. Following these rules ensures a safe and quick visit to the restrooms.