Unwritten Rules of the Public Restroom

Every wonder where the unwritten rules of the public restroom came from? Luckily for you, I have and I've written them down for posterity.

You must flush the urinal for the dude in front of you.
This is one of the more mysterious rules of the public restroom. You are required to flush the urinal for the dude who just left. I guess he didn't flush because he had to flush for the guy before him. So goes the circle of life.

You are your brother's bodily fluid monitor. If you notice it's a bit cloudy, it is also your responsibility to report your findings to the CDC. You may be required to retrieve a sample. I don't know why this rule exists. It just does.

Three flushes in rapid succession
When you hear three flushes in rapid succession, that's a request for a courtesy flush. If you ignore this subtle hint, loud coughing and finally louder retching will follow.

Please hang up your cell phone and do the right thing. On second thought, if you're talking on your cell while in a public restroom, toss the cell in the bowl and then flush. Courtesy flushes are just that - a courtesy. It's also courtesy to not bombard your caller with the sounds of the public restroom. Hang up and poop!

Wash your damn hands
Personally, I wash my hands before and after. My hands are into all sorts of stuff, all day long. Mr. Happy just hides quietly and safely in my pants, only to see the light 3 or 4 times a day. I wash my hands before shaking hands with Mr. Happy because Mr. Happy is cleaner than my fingers. Then I wash my hands after, not because I touched Mr. Happy, but because I had to touch the disgusting handle to flush.

One rule that has not been enforced is being able to yell, "Ewww. Where are you going without washing your hands you damn animal!" when we see someone try to sneak out without washing. Let us all swear here and now to start calling out these gross pariahs of society.

Flush with your feet
Most public toilets have the heavy-duty flush handle. It is customary and expected that you flush such a toilet with your feet. It's one less thing you have to touch in the germ factory that is the public restroom. Don't question it. It's a rule.

Here is where toilet manufactures are falling down on the job. They know we all flush with our feet, yet they don't produce very many pedal-flush toilets. They exists. I've seen them. If they were doing customer satisfaction surveys, we'd see pedals on all models of public toilets.

Unsubstantiated
I have no first-hand evidence of this last rule because it only applies to women's rest rooms and I'm not that kind of pervert. What kind I am, we'll save for a later time. Apparently it is a women's restroom rule that if you are the first woman to use a clean toilet, you must stand over the toilet and gyrate your hips in some wild hula dance.

This ensure that, until the janitor shows up 12 hours later, every woman is force to contort their bodies, hang on to the already-broken door and hover above the seat, all while keeping the broken-lock door closed. I guess this is the price you pay for having a couch in there. Why you'd want to spend any time on a restroom couch is beyond the male imagination.

These are the unwritten rules
These rules, having been unwritten since the dawn of the public restroom, are now written for all future generations. They shall judge us accordingly. Our grand kids are laughing at us from the future where all public urination is handled invisibly by an iPhone app.