Up the Holler a Piece

Over the weekend, I agreed to ... and looked forward to ... a drive with my parents in to the North Carolina mountains, to look at a mountain cabin for sale. The site was, as they described it, "just an hour north of Greenville." Sounds good. An hour up, a few minutes walking round the property, an hour back. So I left home to meet them for breakfast at 8am Saturday.

Nine hours later, I got back home.

But, as I keep telling myself, there is good to be found in all things ... knowledge to be gleaned from all experience. May I share with you some of that acquired knowledge.

• On earth, there are more McDonald's restaurants than there are oxygen molecules.
• When driving up a "switchback" mountain road, if you see the same tree sixteen times, the road is probably too steep.
• My dad lives by the "cup half full" theory, idealized by his belief that if there's one correct freeway exit, then there are surely several more.
• There are few things in life more futile than using humour at a McDonald's drive-thru. This also holds for irony. And sarcasm.
• It is likely a dubious real estate decision if the directions include "...then, just past Hillbilly Jim's, start looking for..."
• In the past, I found it hard to pay attention to local news, and their stories like "...and early Saturday morning, two men and a ferret were impaled at a mobile home on Old Mule Abscess Road in eastern Partial Spine County. Witnesses say the ferret was..." I have now driven by that location.
• On those long drives, here's a good game for the kids. At the McDonald's drive-thru, hand the clerk your cash and add about 18 cents in nickels and pennies. Then have the kids count how many managers are called to the register to help solve this advanced mathematical corollary. Score extra points if the clerk's name is NOT Caribbean.
• Single guys can easily simulate marriage by installing one of those GPS devices that use a woman's voice.
• In an obvious homage to some of the more untested Newtonian theories, my mom's response, after entering a highway directly into the speeding path of an oncoming car, is to stop. I found a way to be extremely helpful in that situation by morphing, both audibly and physically, into a Vienna Boys Choir soprano.
• If a McDonald's is not readily available, which is not bloody likely, a good alternative for their French fries is to simply sever the cords leading out of your kidneys.
• If you should decide to purchase property in North Carolina, you need to be aware that you will be required by law to purchase a carved black bear wearing a wide straw hat. Check it out. It's the law.
• There really is a street called Hog Rock Road.

Life is good.