U.S. Government Bails Out Struggling Football Franchises

Certain teams in professional sports have been losing money. Uncle Sam has decided to step in to rescue these failed franchises and save western culture from a possible natural re balancing of the fans per team ratio.

A massive influx of virtual cash will be injected into the top offices of the sports empire, thereby giving the government controlling shares in every team.

The government will then redistribute the assets of successful teams who have planned and followed winning strategies to become successful in the marketplace to "level the playing field".

For teams without enough fans to support their costs for stadiums, equipment, sports medicine experts, etc, fans will be bused from other team's areas to support the struggling teams.

In an emergency session of Congress, legislation was passed unanimously to approve a 20 billion dollar bailout package. The House finance committee drew up the spending and governance plan. The Chairman gleefully stated in a press conference that day, "We have approved 20 billion dollars for this bail-out, therefore we have immediately printed and distributed 20 trillion dollars in financial aid to the newly acquired FFL, Federal Football League."

When a member of the press asked if the Chairman had misspoken and said 'trillion' when he meant 'billion', the Chairman replied, "No. Why do you ask?"

"Well," the reporter replied, "you've approved 20 billion, but you say you're going to spend 20 trillion..."

"That's why you aren't on the finance committee. " The Chairman said as Capital police tackled the reporter amid anguished cries of "Don't taze me, Bro!"

For reaction to this highly anticipated announcement this reporter spoke to Phil T. Rich, owner of the nearly bankrupt team, the San Francisco Fabul-uh-uh-uh-sos:

"It's great news! We've been planning so poorly, practically sleeping through the drafts for the last ten years, and spending all the franchise money on pina coladas and appletinis. We were getting ready to declare bankruptcy and open this area of the pro football market to a real competitor, but now that the government is going to bail us out, well, nothing will change." Phil said as he ordered a California nut, mushroom, and berry wine cooler. "Of course, the other teams that have really worked hard and put some winning strategies in place will now see that all that effort is really useless since they have to share it with the rest of us. That's what I love about our government...they aren't anything if not fair!"

That was pretty much the extent of the interview as Phil spotted an over-unity energy device fire-sale sign on a passing van and nimbly pranced away in pursuit.