Useful Baby Gifts for Real Moms

I got a text message from a friend a few months ago, as she was pondering what she might need for the little bundle of joy who was hanging out in her abdomen for the time being. She was looking at breast pumps, and wanted to know if she should get the shoulder bag or the backpack carrying case.

We decided fanny pack was the way to go on that one. It was a joke, but I bet somebody out there has one.

Stores are full of bizarre baby junk. Have you seen those little mesh nipple things you're supposed to stick a hunk of fruit in for your baby to suck on? Yeah, that's not just begging for years of therapy and a latent fetish down the road, is it? And wipe warmers? Unless your baby's room is in a walk-in freezer (I don't recommend this, folks) I'm pretty sure room temperature wipes will do. And what about all the stuff for moms with cutesy-wutesy patterns and characters on them? If you're old enough to get knocked up, let's hope you're one, old enough to be over the whole Pooh Bear thing, and two, not hanging out in the company of morons who need to be told that there is a BABY under that shirt, complete with an arrow indicating the direction of his departure. With all the Must Have stuff out there for expecting parents to drool over, it can be hard to figure out what would or wouldn't make a good gift. I confess, the last baby gift I gave was pretty generic: a couple outfits in the next size up and a book the little guy could chew and throw and puke on and not destroy, in theory anyway. But a conversation with another friend whose household is eerily similar to mine made me realize that the things we really need to get when we add new minions, I mean members, to our families never seem to make it onto the registry.

Steel-Toed Boots

Slippers are nice, until you trip over the cat at three in the morning, go sliding across the floor because the dumb things have no traction and run pinkie toe-first into the corner of the refrigerator, causing the twelve-gallon can of coffee on top to fall on your other foot. Real moms need steel-toed boots, preferably of the combat boot variety, because they look precious with the skirts your toddler will inevitably pull down in the middle of a conversation with the hot lumber guy in Home Depot, exposing your oldest, rattiest pair of granny panties, which you had to put on because somebody who will not be named used all your good ones as slingshots and now one leg hole on each pair is big enough to fit a pair of rhinoceroses through. Steel-toed boots will provide good traction on spilled laundry detergent, wipe clean easily even when covered in the slimiest vomit, and of course protect your toes from those late night kitchen-obstacle course runs.

Big Sunglasses

You won't be sleeping for a while. You can look like a hungover raccoon without the glasses, or a fashionable insect with them. Trust me, go for insect. You'll save yourself a lot of explaining when little old ladies come up to you, peer into your darkened eye sockets and say "You know, honey, there are places you can go where he can't hurt you anymore." Nobody will believe you're sleep-deprived and not a punching bag. Put the glasses on.

Concert DVDs

Everyone knows when you're up late feeding your baby, you're supposed to stare at him lovingly until he drifts off to sleep, the rest of the world simply a hazy dream, barely noticed as you bask in the glow of new mommyhood. That's fantastic for about three days, and then reality kicks in and you're stuck with late night Slap-Chop infomercials and South Park reruns. If you're going to be up for hours rocking the little sweetheart to sleep, you might as well be rocking out while you're doing it.

A Gift Certificate for a Wonder Bra

Trust me. In five years you'll thank me for this suggestion. Once baby's done with them, you'll need some help getting those things jacked back up.

Ear Plugs

Children have magical little voices. They really do. When they're singing or chattering happily, there's no better sound in the world. But when kid one just realized that kid two put his iPod in the toilet and kid three is simultaneously throwing up and trying to eat the cat, all you want is the blissful sound of silence.