Useless Baby Items that Only First-Time Parents Buy

Yesterday I helped a friend shop for his daughter's baby shower. It's her first baby. You know how I could tell? Her baby shower registry list.

First-time parents will, of course, make plenty of rookie mistakes. First-time parents will freak out every time their baby so much as whimpers and will often think that a runny nose requires a three a.m. emergency room visit. There are some parenting lessons that you just have to learn on your own, but there are some lessons that you can take from me, Experienced Parent.

A single visit to Babies 'R Us will fill the first-time parent-to-be with overwhelming anxiety. What is all of this stuff? Do I need it? I must. It's here! Even the most intelligent, marketing-savvy adults will forget that baby products are an industry like any other, and that advertising companies prey on parents' desire to provide their child with the safest and highest-quality products available, to the tune of billions annually.

With that in mind, Lesson One: You don't need even half of the crap on your baby shower registry.

Take a deep breath, sit down, and rest assured that you don't need any of the following:

1. Steam Sterilizer. At about $50, this is one of the most useless baby products ever. You might as well grab a $50 bill and light it on fire. Sure, you want your baby's bottles and pacifiers to be clean, but do they need to be steam sterilized? Um, no. Have a dishwasher? How about a sink, Palmolive, and a hot water heater? Then you're just fine. Take that $50 and buy a $3 bottle brush. Spend the remaining $47 on heavily caffeinated beverages- something you'll actually need.

2. Infant carseat. You know those carrier carseats that you can unlatch from the base and use to carry the baby? Huge waste of money (not to mention painfully heavy to carry). Depending on how quickly your baby grows, they'll be out of an infant carseat in a matter of months. Instead of buying an infant carseat (the inexpensive ones are around $70), buy the regular carseat that you're going to have to buy anyway in a few months. Take that $70 you almost blew and apply it toward getting the safest, most highly-rated carseat you can find. Just make sure that the weight limit is such that it's safe for a newborn.

3. Highchair. They make really neat highchairs these days, I know. But I'm here to tell you that they're more of a pain than they're worth. First, they're bulky. Even in the most generously-sized kitchens or dining rooms, highchairs take up a lot of space (especially since highchair manufacturers realized that kids would stop tipping over in them if they expanded the base of the chairs). Second, they keep your child at an awkward height if your child eats with you at family meals. Most highchairs will have your child at a whole 'nother level than everyone else at the table. Finally, they're expensive. The inexpensive highchairs begin in the $70 range, and the price increases exponentially from there. Instead, seat your child at the table with everyone else, for about $20. The chair-mount booster seats are mostly in the $20 range and have removable and dishwasher-safe trays, as well as the safety belts that highchairs have. Booster seats take up much less space and are a snap to clean. Take that extra $50 and use it to buy cleaning wipes. Another item you'll actually need.

4. Diaper pails or Diaper Genies. They don't keep the smell any better contained than regular trash cans- trust me. A regular diaper pail costs about $15 (not too much more than the cost of a regular trash can with a lid), and like most trash cans, it more or less keeps the diaper stench in- until you open the lid. Same with the Diaper Genie- but the Diaper Genie costs about $25, and the bag refills cost about $6 per refill cartridge. And the Diaper Genie isn't a piece of cake to use- lots of unnecessary effort and expense, many will tell you. Instead, do what my daycare does: use the plastic grocery bags you paid nothing for, put each dirty diaper in one, tie it off, and drop it in the regular trash can. Take out your trash at least once daily. This works surprisingly well, and you won't have to deal with cleaning out an absolutely wretchedly stinky diaper pail, ever. But if you really want to ensure that no diaper smell lingers in your home, keep a bag or pail outside the back door of your house and toss dirty diapers directly into it. Note: this advice applies to disposable diapers, not cloth. If you tie a messed cloth diaper in a plastic bag for later laundering, remember that you will eventually have to open the bag. Ick.

5. Baby bath. Sure, they're only $20, but do you really need one? No. Your baby will be small enough to fit in the baby bath (usually made for babies who aren't yet sitting) for only a few months. Add to that the facts that they're uncomfortable for the parent to use (lots of crouching and stooping) and bulky to store, and they become more trouble than they're worth. What's the time, money, and back-saving alternative? Your kitchen sink. If you have one of those extendable spray hoses, well, you're just extra lucky. Indulge in the age-old tradition of sink bathing- it requires a clean sink, a towel or two for padding if your baby isn't sitting yet, and the usual baby-cleaning accessories. Your back will thank you for bathing baby in the sink, and clean-up is a snap. Take that $20 and buy another memory stick for your digital camera, because there's nothing cuter than a picture of a baby taking a bath in a kitchen sink.

There will be plenty of items that your baby will need in bulk that you'll have to spend plenty of money on- so do yourself a favor and skip the above items. The baby products industry won't collapse, I swear.