Useless in Eustis

I'm off to Eustis Maine today for a little camping adventure. My friends Jeff and Susan left their site in Dixfield to spend the Fourth of July in Eustis. I'm not sure how long it will take me to drive there but I plan on about four hours. I'm kind of on my own because there is no phone reception there, no satellite reception and hence, no Dum Dum to direct me. I went on line and wrote them down, just in case my memory fails me.

I'm not very good at reading my own directions and driving at the same time, so every now and then, I have to stop and memorize a few turns. I do a lot of second guessing once I get going again, and often wish I had Jack Elam's talent for looking two ways at once.

Rest stops are another problem in a long drive. Once past Augusta, there isn't much of anything. I stopped one time after a long stretch of white lipped driving, and had a conversation with a cow. She was very accommodating, albeit a little short on toilet paper.

The further up you go, the nicer people are, at least to other Mainers. The first thing they ask is "whaya frum?" If you say Maine, and are lying, they know, and you will get directions that point you in the wrong direction, usually south. If you say yes, you have to prove it in a long barrage of "who do you know" questions. After you pass the test, you might get invited to stay for dinna. That's just the way we are.

There's not much to do in Eustis. We spend a lot of time sitting around the fire making suggestions. We never follow through, because by the time we make a decision, Susie and I have killed a bottle of Kenny Jack, and Jeff is particular about who he travels with.

(Yawn)

I took a walk to a pond a few feet from the coach once. The trees are nice to look at. It's a real treat when another camper arrives. Susie and I grab our wine and position ourselves in their direction. Jeff sits on his beer cooler and critiques every strategically measured move of a driver trying to squeeze a forty footer into a spot between two 1000 year old pine trees. That's amusing...for Eustis.

(Head dropping to chest, power nap time.)

We stay at Cathedral Pines. Obviously there is no cathedral there, just pines. I've learned a lot about pine trees from Jeff. He examines everything. He has more useless information in his head than Joe Biden, the difference being he puts it to use from time to time. We were planning to eat dinner outside once but Jeff insisted we should set up inside because at five-fifty-three the wind was going to pick up, something fierce. We didn't, it did, and it was fierce enough to scoop up a non-John Kerry's wife's catsup bottle and carry it across the campsite. That was a real bell ringer.

(Ho hum, sniff)

Try staying with me here, folks. Another thing we do is spend hours driving around looking for moose. That's a lot of fun, after driving four hours to get to Eustis, we go for a drive. Jeff takes the wheel and takes us to fascinating places like a camp that might belong to someone's cousin's second wife.

(Zzzzzzzzzzz.)

Well, I'm sure I'll have lots to report about my trip to Useless Eustis when I return. I'm sure happy to get out of Dodge for a couple of days, though, and away from the Fourth of July maniacal vacationers. I'll be thinking of Roger Miller as I drive the one-hundred and eighty three point six miles deep in the heart of deliverance country. "No phone, no pool, no pets, l ain't got no cigarettes."

Wait......Holy crap! Gotta go!

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