Vacationing with Extended Family

Thirty years ago there was a lot of hurt in my family. My parents were struggling to control us kids, and we kids were struggling to grow up in our out-of-control lives. Each of us (my sister, brother and me) took different paths but the paths we took left our parents saddened.

We had made mistakes that would affect our lives and the mistakes we made also affected our family life together. Our folks got to a point where all they could do was apply tough love techniques and love us from a distance. We had used and abused them so badly they had nothing left to give. They retreated and moved away. We felt abandoned and angry even though we were all of legal age when they moved.

For many years, we have spoken to each other on holidays and birthdays but that was about it, unless my parents were traveling through and then maybe we would see them a day or a day and a half. It was enough.

I would get frustrated when my husbands' would talk to their mothers, sometimes on a daily basis. "What are you doing that for?" I would say. "Your mom's job is done. She fulfilled her legal obligation and raised you until you were 18. Now you are on your own. Stop calling mommy- she's got her own life", I would berate them. I couldn't understand why someone would want to talk to their parents.

To me, parents were the enemy. I always felt like I wasn't good enough them-like I had disappointed them beyond belief- and there was nothing I could do to make it better. After awhile, I gave up trying and stopped caring what they thought of me or what I did with my life. I was an adult. I came to the realization that my parents had done the best they could, and now it was up to me to make something of myself.

Over the years, life has been a roller-coaster. I've been married three times, lived in about thirty different places, worked for as many employers and I've also gone back to school, become a lead singer in my all original rock-and-roll band, and raised my daughter. My brother and sister's lives have not been as volatile, but they've had their ups and downs too.

Fortunately, in the last decade we've become a bit closer now that we all live in the same area but we still kind of shared the feeling that our parents didn't want anything to do with us.

A few years ago, we lost a younger cousin who went septic after gastro-intestinal bypass surgery, and it woke us up to the fact that family matters to us. My siblings and I have become close, talking or seeing each other at least weekly. With that, our children have become closer too. It feels good to have an extended family.

The present

About a year ago, my siblings and I started discussing taking a week's vacation together with our children. My husband and I discussed it and agreed that we would donate our timeshare time for the vacation. After booking the vacation at Jiminy Peak, I realized our parents would be in the area at the time, so I invited them too.

When I told my brother and sister what I had done, I thought I might get "what did you do that for", or "we're not coming" but instead, they said they were excited. That made me excited too. When I asked my parents to come for a few days and they asked if they could stay longer, I was thrilled. Everyone was into this- that was a good thing and it made me really happy we had decided to do this but I was anxious that things wouldn't work out.

As the days got closer, we started talking about what we would bring. I explained the accommodations at the timeshare and that went over well. We would have common ground and we would also have places to retreat. Everyone pitched in money and/or food and brought board games. Tennis rackets, hoola hoops, bikes, the Wii and Xbox 360 were packed. My sister and her crew went up on Friday night and arrived a few hours after we did. My parents and my brother and his kids showed up Sunday night. I was nervous that we would start fighting and that feelings would be hurt but it didn't happen.

Surprisingly, no one left early and the vacation was perfect. The kids got to hang out with their cousins, my siblings and I got a chance to spend some adult time together, and the grandparents got a chance to see their grandkids and kids. The weather forecast in the beginning of the week had suggested it would rain all week, but we only had a few hours of rain one morning.

We played board games, did activities, prepared meals together and ate like pigs. We swam in the pool, used the work out rooms and walked a lot of hills.

My husband brought up his DJ equipment and after receiving permission from the resort, we commandeered a gazebo, a picnic table and the grill, and we proceeded to have a BBQ dinner dance, opening up the entertainment to the resort guests. We had a blast dancing together and to me, it was the best evening of the week, reminding us all of the fun we used to have together back when we were kids.

Several decades later it seems we have all grown up a little bit. While there were moments of angst or frustration mainly because the grandchildren were wired on candy, for the most part we all got along and we all had fun. If it got hairy, we retreated for awhile and took some down time. We shared the work, we laughed together and showed each other respect.

Honestly, I couldn't have asked for anything better. Vacationing with the extended family allowed us to update our memory banks and replace some of those bad memories with good ones.

The future

I guess everyone else felt the same way because there were a few hints that it would be nice to do this again, maybe even as early as next year. Spending time on vacation with the extended family was a great experience. While we can't always fix the wreckage of our past, we certainly can build bridges for the future.