Valentine's Day Breakup Tips

First, for inspiration, read up on St. Valentine. There were three of them, all martyred, two of them sainted. Legend has it that St. Valentine of Rome was jailed, tortured and got his head lopped off! How romantic is that?!? Draw on this rich history to create a climate of suffering and despair in your relationship.

Next, hype the holiday. Talk the talk, even though you don't have any plans. Make your partner think you're getting them something big. Tease and drop subtle hints. Example:

Q: What do you want for Valentine's Day, baby?

A: I don't know. Maybe something to match the (insert big-ticket item here) I'm getting you.

Another good way to build false expectations is by dropping hints for unusual gift items, such as swimming gear or sunscreen. Example:

Q: What's the temperature in Bermuda this time of year?

At some point, your loathsome bed partner will start to eagerly anticipate the holiday, wondering if a romantic weekend getaway could possibly be the jumpstart that your relationship needs. This is all your partner wants from you, that you show some interest, put forth a little effort.

False hope, the mutimate breakup seed, has now been planted.

Once the lofty expectations have been set, the next step -and this is an important one- is to completely change your tune. Get testy every time your partner brings up Valentine's Day or gifts, even though just moments earlier you were teasingly dropping hints about fancy jewelry or romantic weekend getaways. Example:

Q: I don't know, why do you ask? Are you planning on being in Bermuda sometime soon?

A (huffing and puffing, shaking head and rolling eyes): Never mind. See? This is why I can't talk to you about anything.

Provide a healthy amount of mixed signals leading up to the big day. Be crazy. Act in any way that sets a tone of complete confusion. By now, your partner will have started to complain about your unreliability and potential lunacy to his or her friends. This will make them invaluable in planting further seeds of doubt.

On the big night, disappear. Ignore all calls and texts. Be busy at work. The more "I'll call you backs" that you can fit in, the better. Be there, but be totally inaccessible.

At exactly 2:14 am, show up reeking of alcohol with a mangled bouquet of carnations (not roses) bought from an all-night grocer. When your partner gets upset, blame them for your actions and start ranting. Be sure not to make any sense! Be as incorrigible and incoherent as humanly possible.

Next, start crying. I mean bawling. Belt out a series of those long, desperate sobs that come from the gut. Pronounce the pain and agony that you feel for hurting your partner. Express nothing but regret, remorse, self-pity and shame at how you have treated the one you love.

After a while of this, your partner will begin to feel sorry for you. A short but meaningful flow of reassurances will follow, that you are forgiven and loved and unconditionally accepted, even with all of your flaws. Then you will make love.

In the morning, accuse your partner of infidelity, bank robbery or some other egregious sin. Be emphatic and convincing. Make air tight, absolute statements that can penetrate any alibi. Example:

Q: What are you talking about??? That was the day we went to visit your mother!

A: I know what I saw.

At this point your partner is sure you are crazy and, in the spirit of St. Valentine, tries to lop your head off with the first object within grasp -- but it misses. As you fend off your attacking partner, declare their absolute insanity and vow to get a restraining order. It's over, you you say. Once and for all, it's over, you've had it, you've had enough, can't take this anymore. Then storm out of the house. To where, I have absolutely no idea.

Repeat as necessary.

Happy Valentine's Day!