Valentine's Day Gift Ideas for the Little Woman

Valentine's Day: The one day each year we men are required by law to be "thoughtful." And part of that thoughtfulness crap involves you selecting just the right gift for that special lady at home who washes the stains out of your underwear. Unfortunately, you are an idiot who needs a little guidance when it comes to giving women what they want and that's where I come in. Despite being a real, honest to goodness rugged, manly man oozing maleness and testosterone and all that crap, I am in touch with my feminine side which helps me understand the wants and needs of the fairer sex. Unfortunately, I can't be there for every woman in the world, so they're all stuck with stupid Neanderthals like you. As a service to you and all of our brothers out there, I have come up with a few Valentine's Day gift ideas that are sure to leave you looking slightly less stupid than you really are. It's just my little way of helping the male species get through what is for men the most intimidating, dreadful holiday on the calendar.

Valentine's Day Gift Idea #1: A Weekend of Fun with a Gay Man

Straight women love gay men. They love gay men because with them women can enjoy the same interests-Broadway shows, shopping, fashion, and watching "Glee"-without ever having to worry about the messy complications of sex. You're probably thinking, "But a woman can have the same kind of relationship with her best friend." Oh you think so, do you? Put two women alone together, add a little conversation about what jerks men are, throw in a box or two of cheap wine, and suddenly things get very complicated. And I mean that in a good way.

Valentine's Day Gift Idea #2: An Evening Alone with Her Best Friend and a Couple Boxes of Cheap Wine

She works hard every day taking care of your sorry ass and she needs to vent to someone who really understands about how you piss all over the toilet seat and how you leave your dirty socks turned inside out and lying on the floor and how you just stare at the TV and never listen to her and all that other annoying crap you do. Give her an evening alone with her best friend and a couple boxes of cheap wine. Caution: Things could get very complicated. And I mean that in a good way.

Valentine's Day Gift Idea #3: The Complete "Twilight Saga" DVD Collection

Women dig vampire movies starring a bunch of really crappy, young actors who haven't smiled since their mommies last sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider"-which was roughly three years ago. Yeah, I don't get it either, but apparently women like that "Team Edward/Team Jacob" shit, so just pop 'em in the DVD player, call your buddies and go hit a bar.

Valentine's Day Gift Idea #4: A Few Hours with the 19-year-old Lifeguard from the Local Pool

This one's as much for you as it is for her because, let's face it, you are no longer the chiseled, virile sex machine you once were. Years of hard work, stress, and "all-you-can-stick-in-your-pie-hole" buffets have turned you into a big, fat blob of sweaty man-goo. The very idea of any sex act lasting longer than 30 seconds sends a sharp pain through your chest and visions of your miserable life passing before your eyes. Like a tired pitcher who can no longer get the ball to home plate, you need help from the bullpen and that's where the young stud lifeguard comes in. Now you can go sit in your recliner, eat a bucket of hot wings, down a few beers and watch UFC fighting. She's satisfied. You're satisfied. It's a total win-win.

Valentine's Day Gift Idea #5: A Box of Candy, Bouquet of Roses, Dinner at Her Favorite Restaurant...You Know, Some Kind of Crap Like That

Hey, I'm running out of ideas here. You think this is easy?