Valentine's Day Gifts for People You Can't Stand

Have you ever felt obligated to give a Valentine's Day gift to someone you don't especially like? Not loving your spouse too much anymore? Is an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend turning into a stalker yet you remain friends for some unknown reason? I've compiled a list of the most devious gifts for your un-loved one. (Note to self - insert random hold-harmless agreement here.)

Skydiving lessons

Sure it can be pricey but what better way to show someone you "care" than by giving him or her a gift certificate from one of the many skydiving training facilities across the US all while secretly hoping your "friend" has a slight parachute malfunction? The rougher the terrain is in your area, the better. Visit www.skydiving.com or call them at 1-800-493-JUMP to schedule a flight at one of their many jump sites throughout the United States. Skydiving companies are always extra cautious with their parachutes, but there's always hope.

Victoria's Secret online gift certificate

Want to aggravate that not-so-special woman in your life? Ever since a warehouse distribution change back in August, 2007, VS's handling of online orders has been a complete train wreck. After your lady-enemy succeeds in purchasing her items, VS will spam her with E-mails after the fact saying her items are discontinued, or items that were supposedly shipped haven't shipped at all but are in stock. Her purchases will arrive late if at all. It's the perfect way to mess with her. Never get between a woman and her shopping unless you can do it under the radar. Go visit Victoria's Secret at www.victoriassecret.com for a good laugh - you can buy the gift certificates online.

Gym membership

Tired of that no good, lazy, so and so doing nothing during the day except watching soaps and turning into a food blister? So many men and women become complacent about their looks after being married. Despite feeling self-conscious about their expanding waistline, they don't do anything except nag about your shortcomings. Valentine's Day is the perfect day to get even. Put on your best smile as you give your loved one a gym membership! They will inevitably ask if you think they are fat and you can use an equally sweet and condescending, "No, honey!" Oh, make sure it's a co-ed gym, not like Curves where the clients are women only. It's a win-win situation for the gift giver. You will make your valentine self-conscious and they will be away from the house once more often!

Flight lessons

Is your insignificant other laughably clumsy? Is he or she not the sharpest knife in the drawer yet freakishly book smart? If so, then flight lessons are the way to go. This type of person will ace ground school but will be perpetually lost inside of a cockpit. Even if your buddy miraculously becomes a private pilot, there's a good chance that dummy will mess up something simple like the weight and balance or miscalculate the fuel consumption for a trip. I mean it happens almost every day but we don't always hear about these incidents. Check out the FAA's daily data and statistics webpage if you don't believe me. Flight schools are often found at smaller airports. You can use Google to find local flight schools in your area, but www.pilotjourney.com/discovery offers coupons for a $99 introductory flight (can be used prior to ground school) and is welcomed at most flight schools.

African safari

If tigers at the San Francisco zoo can go off their rocker despite regular human interaction, just imagine how cantankerous animals in the wild can be! Send your loved one to Africa and hope the creatures band together and push the safari truck over for a midday snack. Since 1962 Abercrombie & Kent www.abercrombiekent.com have been offering guided tours in Africa (and other countries with equally harsh terrain) and boast the highest standards in every aspect of their safaris. Luxury is key here, but if you would rather spend less and hope for a more "rugged" excursion, www.africasafari.com has packages to fit just about any budget or scheme.

This year don't let Valentine's Day get you down. If you don't want to sleep on the couch for the rest of February but don't want to suck up to someone who aggravates you more than that crazy drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, be sure to try out one of these gifts. If you throw a party in you despised-one's absence, just remember who gave you these ideas to begin with...hint, hint.