Valentine's Day (The Truth)

What is Valentines day? Why is it so cold? Why do I have to buy all these sugar chalk hearts and this chocolate? What's the deal with these hearts? Why am I so lonely? What is the true meaning of Valentines day? Holy F*** that's what we're celebrating? It's Sunday and my testicles are hurting, what do I do?

All of these questions will be answered in due time, my friend. You see, Valentines day is not what you might think. It should not be at all about falling in love and spending too much money on your significant other for a night of passionate and tiring sex (just before monday!), No, it should be something oh so different. And it is. Oh, by God, how it is. You have no idea.

What is Valentines day?

I am glad you asked! Would you like to know the real valentines day or what we bulls*** each other with today? Oh, you'd like the bulls*** for right now? Okay, that's cool. Well, Valentines day was apparently appointed by the Catholic Church in honor of Saint Valentine, a martyr who was killed by the Romans. Apparently, the then Roman Emporer Claudius outlawed marriage for young men so they could focus their effort on war and not sex. St Valentine continued to hold marriage ceremonies for young couples. At some point, Valentine was found out by the Romans and they didn't take stuff like that too lightly. So, he was imprisoned and began writing love letters to some girl he fell in love with. This puts him on the stage as a romantic character and apparently why it's called Valentines day. Well, according to legend he was killed on the day that we name him after and that's all she wrote.

Why is it so cold?

Well, that's due to shifting weather patterns and such. Why they have V day in the winter is beyond me. I mean, it's supposed to be about sexy, passionate, young love. It seems almost as if the summer would be an appropriate time for it. But, y'know, the Catholic Church couldn't do that. It would only make too much sense! Not to mention they had to bring a helenistic approach to Christianity. That part, I'll explain later.

Why do I have to buy all these sugar chalk hearts and this chocolate?

You don't have to buy it, necessarily. Though, if you don't, you probably won't be getting laid tonight. That is, unless, you have the most awesome girlfriend in the world. See here, this is where the money grubbing for V day kicks in. They market this stuff toward high maintenance women because they know the guys will buy the crap so they can get lucky. It's the only way it could be. Simply put, it''s the circle of life as defined by the Catholic Church.

What's the deal with these hearts?

Hearts symbolise love. You shall soon find that there should be no hearts involved in Valentines day at all. Because this day does NOT symbolise love. We are a horrible society for treating it as such.

Why am I so lonely?

Because you see that dude over there with that really hot chick? Yeah, you aren't that dude. Odds are, you won't be that dude for some time, because that dude is spending countless amounts of money to get laid tonight. Not to mention you're pretty cheap. That's not a bad thing though! You have the potential to see through the disguise! Laugh at the fools who celebrate V day as they do. You'll know my friend. Oh, how you will know that you are truly the blessed one in this outcome. Thank God youy are not bound to celebrate this most unholy of festivities.

What is the true meaning of Valentine's day?

Aha! We come to it at last! The Romans had a day they called Lupercalia, it also was in the middle of February. They celebrated this as a time for purification and love. They would clean their homes (holy crap, try getting someone to clean your house on V day, this doesn't sound so bad) and ready themselves for the coming of spring. Oh yeah, there was blood too. A lot of it. To be specific, it was Goat and Dog blood. This Lupercalia was dedicated to Faunus, who was basically the Roman god of farms. It was also for fertility, because the coming of Spring has something to do with making babies in pagan beliefs. Anywyas, back to the blood. Goats and dogs would be sacrificed for purification purposes. How that makes sense, I don't know. I'm just the messenger, I didn't make this s*** up. Men would then slice the hide of the goats into strips. I like to think they later made goat jerky out of them. Perhaps that would justify their actions. I doubt it though. After cutting the meat into strips, they would then dip the strips in blood (wow, this is the oddest way I've ever heard to make jerky...). The men would then parade through the town with these blood soaked goat strips and slap women with them. That's right. You heard me. I... I don't know why God still lets us live.

So here is what the Catholic Church did with Valentine's day: They took a martyred Saint, who gave up everything for his faith and to persevere against an evil empire. They named a festival after him, which was originally a festival created by the people of the evil empire that killed him. They then made up possible lies about him to make the story seem more love like. They now profit off of this Saint's death and the was they disrespected him and continue to disrespect him by continuing their profits,,, of his death.

Holy f*** that's what we're celebrating?

Well, slap my ass and call me Charlie. I guess so!

It's Sunday and my testicles are hurting, what do I do?

It's probably from being so blue and cold from being lonely all winter. It's cool though. You don't need a woman. Valentines day is for pricks. We both know that and we should both feel better about being alone Sunday.