Valentine's Day: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

Every year around this time, confused males ask me the same question: "What's up with all this Valentine's Day crap I keep hearing about? My wife/girlfriend seems to think I know what she's talking about, but I don't. I'm just a guy who likes to watch football, eat a bunch of hot wings, drink lots of beer and fart real loud. Can you help me out here?"

Of course I can! First off, try eating about a dozen fewer wings and drinking one less six-pack and you'll see that farting problem ease up. As for the whole Valentine's Day thing, you've come to the right place. Idiots like you have been baffled by this holiday since the beginning of time. So, I have compiled some of the most often asked questions about Valentine's Day by some of the dumbest men in the world. Assuming you can read, you should come away from this with a better understanding of why your lady is questioning her sexual orientation and considering drinking a wine box or two with the cute, new girl in accounting who keeps smiling at her.

What can you tell me about Saint Valentine? Why a day for him?

On a cold, February day way back in the year 263, Saint Valentine, the Patron Saint of Hallmark Cards, is believed to have been the first man ever to give up a night of poker with the guys to take his wife to dinner and a movie. Afterword, his grateful wife, dressed in nothing but a red bra and panties, offered herself up to him and word spread quickly among his peers that wining and dining one's woman can lead to getting a little somethin'-somethin'. In commemoration of Saint Valentine's amazing discovery, it was decided that one day a year be put aside to being nice to the little lady.

So the guy gets laid by his wife and they make him a freakin' saint?

Hard to believe, isn't it? I've gotten laid by a lot of guys' wives and no one has ever suggested I be given sainthood!

Every year, I take my wife to dinner for Valentine's Day. She said she's tired of me taking her out every year and wants to try something different. Can you help me?

Sure. What time do you want her home?

What's up with this little Cupid dude? Who the hell is he and how come he's allowed to shoot people with arrows? If I tried that, I'd be doin' time!

Doin' time? Hell, you should probably be on Death Row just for being so goddamn stupid. But to answer your question, Cupid, a tiny, naked, gay guy with wings, is the god of tiny, naked, gay guys with wings and has been able to stay out of prison by using the "I'm just spreading happiness by shooting my amorous arrows of love" defense, which always seems to melt the hearts of female jurors. I tried that same defense when my third wife caught me in bed with the Swedish nanny. Didn't work.

Last year, I gave each of the girls in my office Spiderman Valentine's cards and those candy hearts that say things like "be mine" and all I got in return were rolled eyes and lots of snickering. What's a guy like me have to do to get a woman?

Based on your looks, I'd recommend the Inflatable Judy Doll (Available online at http://www.zymetrical.com/search.asp?7=inflatable+judy for only $11.60).

Why February 14?

February comes form the Latin word "Februus," meaning: "The month in which clueless men have that gnawing feeling that they are forgetting something they are supposed to remember." The number 14 represents the average number of times per day a woman must drop hints to her clueless man that Valentine's Day is coming.

My wife has a huge collection of sexy nightgowns. Every year she has me go through her closet and select which one I would like her to wear to bed on Valentine's night. I'm not sure which one I should pick this year. Any ideas?

I've always liked her best in that black number with the garter belt, fishnet stockings and see-through panties. I'd go with that.