Vampires Convene on Disturbing Trend in Fantasy Literature

The room looked like any other community meeting place. An assortment of mismatched and battered chairs formed a semi-circle; cheap florescent lights flickered and buzzed; and a long table draped with cheap white cloth offered a plate of cookies, a pitcher of Kool-Aid, and a carafe of coffee.

But something about this meeting was very different. The people here were, well, odd. About thirty or so were gathered in the room. All had pale skin, long canines, and were wearing an assortment of black clothing: black, flowing dresses for the females and fine black suits with capes for the males.

Most of them looked forlorn: shuffling their feet, avoiding eye contact with the others, and not making any conversation at all. Some were clutching books that were falling apart at the seams. A few were still perusing the books, underlining passages with quick jabs. One man started repeatedly stabbing his rather large book. A woman went to get a cup of Kool-Aid, took a sip, and promptly spat it out, a look of utmost disgust on her face.

Another man-distinctly taller, thinner, and more pale than the rest-entered the room and all eyes turned to him as he slammed the lights off and took his place at the podium in front of the semi-circle.

"I think we all know why this meeting was called," he said in a hissing voice.

Murmurs passed through the crowd.

"Our reputation as a species is at stake," the leader continued. "Recent pop culture has ruined our mystique, our power, our influence. First, Anne Rice turned on us. Then, we vampires were forever typecasted as gloomy lovers. But we still had a reputation as dangerous creatures of the night! Now, that's being destroyed as well. We're suffering from a recent spate of vampire romance that takes away all our bite. People think we're cuddly! That we're their protectors! That we love particularly clumsy girls! It's outrageous! We're better than this my friends!"

The vampires glanced at each other as if to say, are we really?

One vampire timidly raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the leader.

"Well, couldn't this be a good thing? I mean, I for one, like being equated with that fellow in the Twilight movie-"

"Robert Pattinson is a menace!" spat the leader.

Two female vampires started giggling.

The leader ignored them. "Just take a look at this passage: 'He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.'"

"It's horrendous purple prose, it is!" shouted one vampire.

"It's a travesty!" yelled another. "Just the other day, my uncle's family friend wanted me to come to his daughter's birthday party and glow. I told him, 'I don't scintillate, dammit!'"

"So what are we going to do about this?" questioned the leader, "Are we just going to take it? Are we-"

"Excuse me," inquired an elderly vampire, poking his head into the room, "is this the meeting for Black Ribboners?"

"No, wrong story!" snapped the leader.

"Pratchett room, two doors away on your left, lovely," a female vampire whispered, showing him her black ribbon pinned to her dress. "What?" she said, catching the angry looks of vampires sitting around her. "It is a rather good idea," she said, and started to mumble something about cocoa and songs.

The leader continued his lecture: "Now as I was saying-"

The lights flicked back on.

"Erm. Sorry," said an embarrassed teenaged volunteer. "I thought you guys never showed. Since, you know, it was dark in here and all."

"Turn off that light!" shouted the leader. "And next time, give us raw meat and blood like I asked you to! None of this Kool-Aid crap!

"It was the most awful thing I ever tasted," said one woman, shuddering.

The teenager flipped the lights off and darted away.

"Ahem, as I was saying," said the leader, "I'm sure everyone is tired of being portrayed as romance gods who twinkle, so what are we-"

The audience started to mumble. One in particular was whispering to another, "See, I rather like the romance aspect of it because-"

"SO, what are we going to do?" said the leader, raising his voice above the others. "What will our enemy the werewolf think if we're being portrayed in this manner?"

The leader realized his mistake right away. He mentioned werewolves when he knew it was far too soon.

Arguments immediately flared up and spread throughout the audience:

"Jacob should have ended up with Bella. Edward was too good for her."

"What are talking about? Jacob was a class act. Better than Edward. Although he did get a bit unhinged toward the end."

"You species traitor!"

"I can't believe you actually care! You're pathetic!"

And then the fangs came out, and a huge brawl broke out in the room.

The leader sighed. He would have to make another meeting next week-again. Maybe he can try rallying his troops to action then. Maybe.