Vanity Sanity

I have a memory of innocently driving along after having picked up my son at school. We were leisurely listening to the relaxing tunes on the radio. I was glad that the demands from the fast-paced day were winding down. I could practically smell the scented bubbles from my impending bath later that night. Suddenly, I was shaken from my dreamy state when my son said, "Mama, I think it's time for you to have your moustache "teared off" again! My bubble bath was starting to disseminate in my mind. I careened in my driveway and made the mad dash to make the 911 distress call to the beauty parlor. I told them, "It's time -- again!"

Upon arriving at the "hair-tearing" place, I quickly spotted the "electric chair" where the impending execution of the hairs would take place. Having the hair "teared off" of your "upper lip ditch" (is there a medical term for that area) is a pain that must be risen above. However, it's all in the name of vanity -- Let's just call it "vanity sanity." Keeping the upper lip ditch area tidy is of value to many women. In addition, the lips that lie below are needy and beckon to be moisturized and colored. I feel barren without a tube close at hand. My compulsion to continually apply lipstick is a joke among my friends.

My mother made a "vanity sanity pact" with me years ago. Upon anticipation of residing in a nursing home at some point, she asked me if I would please take on the responsibility of coming by to pluck one annoying black hair that grows on her "upper lip ditch." And I will honor this pact. Thelma, her beautician and confidante, is in charge of the duty at present. She will pass the honor on to me in due time. I will pluck "it" for the sake of vanity and all women, as we struggle for hairlessness.

Several years ago I was scheduled to have some blood work done. The morning of the testing, I stopped by Burger King for my syrupy, sugary Frozen Coke (yum) A few days after having my "sugary blood" drawn, I received a call from an alarmed nurse saying my blood sugar was highly elevated and they needed to do more blood work. I was warned not to eat...or drink anything before coming. So -- on the morning of the testing, I relied on pure self-control to not turn into the Burger King that I passed on the way.

I stumbled into the lab starving and weak. I was told that I would be "trapped" there for THREE HOURS while they tested my blood at various periods throughout the morning. My first thought was not, "Gosh, they must really think I have diabetes." I'm ashamed to say this but my first thought was -- 'ËœBut I don't have my lipstick with me."

After all that, the results came out negative. I'm back to frequenting Burger King once again for my frozen coke fixes. As I drove away one day, I was pretty sure I overheard the employee whisper as say as I drove away, "Who is that "moustachless" woman with the perfectly applied lipstick?" Ahh -- the power of vanity sanity has its payoffs --