Violence in Dating: Is Your Intimate Relationship Potentially Dangerous?

Dating relationships are supposed to be fun. There are many qualities that we look for in a dating partner, including fun, happiness, love and friendship.

These positive qualities of a dating relationship are largely missing in a violent relationship. They may seem to be there in the beginning, but gradually, or not so gradually, the dating partner changes and demonstrates disturbing behaviors. These behaviors increase in frequency and in seriousness over time, sometimes leading to violent and harmful actions.

Although both men and women have been known to demonstrate aggressive behavior in their dating relationships, men are much more likely to inflict violent behavior against women.

According the the U.S. Government website:
Women were attacked about six times more ofter by offenders with whom that had an intimate relationship than were male victims.
Nearly 30 percent of all female homicide victims were known to have been killed by their husbands, former husbands, or boyfriends.
Husbands, former husbands, boyfriends, and ex boyfriends committed more than one million acts of violence against women.
Husbands, former husbands, boyfriends, and ex boyfriends committed 26 percents of rapes and sexual assaults.

Physical abuse in a dating relationship may include sexual assault, rape, slapping, punching, shoving, kicking, scalding, cutting, choking, smothering, and biting. Abusive behavior can also include yelling and name calling. Verbal attacks can be a warning sign of future physical abuse.

There are many people who stay in abusive relationships because they believe that explosions of jealousy are actually signs of love. A healthy relationship involves two people sharing power and control. A loving relationship never includes physical force or physical or verbal abuse.

Abusers rarely change or improve their behavior. Once they have a pattern of abuse be it verbal, emotional, or physical, they will continue in that pattern because they see it as working for them. If they are willing to get counseling and work on themselves, they may improve. However, counseling may be a long process, and it is not your obligation to wait it out for them.

It is not your responsibility to "fix" the abuser. Yes, they may be abusive because of poor family upbringing and they may be in emotional pain themselves. It is not up to you to take care of them. Don't enable the abuser by making or accepting excuses for poor behavior.

In a dating relationship, you are still in a good position to get out of abusive dynamic, because you do not have the marital commitment. Marriage will not "fix" the abuser. Do not marry an abuser , they will not improve with time.

If you find yourself in a pattern of abusive relationships, you might consider taking a break from dating yourself. Find a counselor that you can talk to and learn patterns for a healthy relationship.

If you are in a dating relationship with an abusive person, it is likely that you are passing up a chance at a healthy, loving relationship with somebody else. Instead of dating an abusive person, it is healthier to not date and keep the option of a healthy relationship with someone else open.

Some rules of personal safety while dating can help to keep you safe and also help to identify potential abusive behavior.

Don't drink or use drugs. A high percentage of victims and offenders are under the influence of drugs or alcohol when the abuse occurs.

Tell your friends and family who you are dating. Make sure they have available contact information in the event that you go missing or something happens to you. If someone needs to look for you, they will know where to start.

If your friends have comments about the person you are dating, it is best to listen to them and consider their opinions. Often friends and family see negative behaviors and the way they affect you. They may notice that you are more sad and anxious as a result of a relationship, and become concerned about you.

Consider group dates. Have dates in public places, such as restaurants, movie theaters or anyplace where other people are present. Avoid being alone with a date, especially one you don't know well. If you pick up on clues that they are trying to isolate you from others, this is a red flag.

No one has the right to force you to have sex. They do not have the right to force you to have sex regardless of how much time you have spent together, how much money they have spent on you, or even whether you have had sex before.

Never accept rides or lodging from someone you have just met. It doesn't matter how nice they seem. The nicest seeming people can turn out to be very dangerous. Some serial killers came across and very harmless and mild mannered.

Communicate effectively. Be aware that ineffective communication can lead to misunderstandings. Do not give out mixed signals. If you mean "No" say "No" and act accordingly.

Remember that drugs and alcohol impair judgment. They not only impair your judgment, but impair your ability to communicate with others. If in a group situation, remember that their ability to understand you and their judgment will be impaired as well. If you choose to use these substance, you are making yourself vulnerable to violence..

Warning Signs of a Battering Personality

In the beginning of a dating relationship, the partner may be perfectly charming and fun to be around. The signs of a battering personality may start to show up gradually. If you get a "gut feeling" that something is wrong, pay attention to it. You subconscious may be picking up clues before your conscious mind picks it up. Respect yourself and your gut reactions in dating relationships.

Earlier I wrote that you should listen to the opinions of your friends and family. Take them in consideration, but if you have a gut feeling that the person you are dating is somehow off, and your friends think the person you are dating is okay, trust your own gut. Only you are spending the amount of time with the person you are dating and if you pick up on something wrong, listen to your instincts and get away and out of the situation.

If your family and friends think something is wrong, listen to them.
If you think something is not right, respect yourself and pay attention to your intuitions.

Following is a list of signs that the person you are dating may be a batterer.

Quick Involvement:: Comes on strong and claims loving feelings never experienced before, early in the relationship. Claims to want an exclusive relationship almost immediately.

Jealousy: Possessive. Calls and/or visits constantly. This may be flattering at first, but is a sign of a controller.

Controlling behavior: Constantly questions where you were and who you talked to. Controls money and insists that you ask for permission for anything you do.

Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be perfect and meet their every need. Starts to criticize you when you don't meed expectation of perfection.

Isolation; Cuts you off from family and friends. May try to deprive you of means of communicating with others by depriving you of a phone, car, or job. Further divides you from support groups by telling people negative
Blames others for problems: Blames you for their emotions and reactions: An example is they would say "You made me angry:" rather than " I am angry".

Hypersensitive: Easily insulted. Uses their hurt feelings to control you, causing you to keep legitimate concerns bottled up instead of expressing them.

Grew up in a violent family: Family background of abuse, or beatings of parents or family members makes them think violence is normal.

Cruelty to animals or children: Brutality to animals or children. Teases children until they cry.

Playful use of force: Enjoys rough behavior against you, such as throwing you down or holding you back. Finds rape exciting.

Verbal Abuse: Says cruel things, criticizes constantly, degrades you or calls you names. Often will say something cruel and demeaning about you or appearance, just as arriving at social event to undermine your confidence. Makes cruel statements and when you get offended sarcastically says it was a joke.

Rigid Sex Roles: Expects you to serve, obey and stay at home.

Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet and loving to violent and mean in minutes.

Threats of violence: threatens you with violent behavior and then belittles your concerns about the behavior by saying they didn't mean it, or it was a joke.

It's not easy to break off a dating relationship with an abusive personality. they are practiced at manipulating and will attempt to keep you under their control with any means possible. If they sense you are pulling away they may attempt to be charming to regain control of the relationship. They may just as easily escalate their violent behavior.

If you see the signs of a battering personality it is best to get out of the relationship. Get counseling, if necessary, to understand the situation and to get emotional support. Keep your options open and wait for a healthy chance at love.