Violence in Relationships: Why Do Victims Stay?

There is a question that is often asked when one hears about, or is acquainted with a victim of abuse. The often asked question is "why does the victim stay?"

Often the worst of the abuse is hidden, rarely revealed to the outside world. The victim and the abuse keep their guard on the shameful secret.. When the outside world suspects violence, or gets graphic evidence of it when the victim ends up hospitalized or dead, they wonder why the victim didn't just leave.

The answer is that it is not that simple. Intellectually, yes, it does seem like a no brainer. If someone on is constantly nasty to you, verbally batters you, or hits you the rational decision is to leave. The reality is that it is not as simple as it seems.

There is a complicated psychology to the abuse dynamic. Usually, the abuser does not begin the abuse at he beginning of the relationship. The cycle of abuse begins and progresses gradually. The victim is often committed to the relationship before realizing that the relationship is sick.

During this process the victim's self respect and self esteem is eroded. Often the abuse has successfully isolated the victim from a support group. The victim may be financially and emotionally dependent upon the perpetrator.

Taking steps away from the abuser is very difficult for the victim.

Regardless of emotions, or self image, no one enjoys being abused, beaten, or threatened. Victims want the abuse to stop, but not the relationship. They may be entrapped by the memories of the relationship before it went bad.

When the victim takes steps to leave, the abuser will ensnare the victim by promising to change, showing remorse and showering the victims with gifts and attention. Unfortunately, the remorse doesn't last, but the abuse does.

Barriers to Leaving a Violent Relationship

Victims who stay in violent relationships usually fall into four categories.

Lack of Resources
Has at least one child.
Unemployed: not employed outside the home, no income.
Unable to access cash or bank accounts: no accounts in their own name. Financially dependent on abuser.
Fear of being charged with desertion: threatened with loss of the children and joint assets.
No place to go: no plan of escape. As a result of being isolated has no support system to help.
Fear of decline of living standards: fears that they and their children will suffer due to lack of resources.
Isolated: One of the indications of an abuser is the skill in isolating the victim from their family and friends.

Fear of Physical Harm
The abuser threatens violence, or actually attacks the victim when victim attempts to leave.
Victim fears for the safety of their children or others. Fears that the abuser will retaliate against loved ones.
Despite the presence of a restraining order there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating assault.
Lack of shelters: despite increased availability of housing, there are not enough shelters to keep victims safe.

Institutional Response
Clergy and counselors often see their goal as "saving" the marriage rather then the goal of stopping the violence.

Traditional Ideology
Divorce not an option in some victims belief system.
Victim believes that a violent two parent home is better than a single parent home.
Victim fears failure: feels responsible for marriage or relationship, and sees themselves as a failure if it doesn't work. Parents, family and friends may unwittingly reinforce this fear.
Victim rationalizes the abuser's behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, drugs, work, themselves, unemployment, peer group, and other external factors.
The abuser rarely beats victim constantly: During non-violent phases the abuser is loving and fulfills dreams of romantic love.
Victim rationalizes that the abuser is good until a negative event causes them to "blow off steam".

Often the worst of the abuse is hidden, rarely revealed to the outside world. The victim and the abuse keep their guard on the shameful secret.. When the outside world suspects violence, or gets graphic evidence of it when the victim ends up hospitalized or dead, they wonder why the victim didn't just leave.

The answer is that it is not that simple. Intellectually, yes, it does seem like a no brainer. If someone on is constantly nasty to you, verbally batters you, or hits you the rational decision is to leave. The reality is that it is not as simple as it seems.

There is a complicated psychology to the abuse dynamic. Usually, the abuser does not begin the abuse at he beginning of the relationship. The cycle of abuse begins and progresses gradually. The victim is often committed to the relationship before realizing that the relationship is sick.

During this process the victim's self respect and self esteem is eroded. Often the abuse has successfully isolated the victim from a support group. The victim may be financially and emotionally dependent upon the perpetrator.

Taking steps away from the abuser is very difficult for the victim.

Regardless of emotions, or self image, no one enjoys being abused, beaten, or threatened. Victims want the abuse to stop, but not the relationship. They may be entrapped by the memories of the relationship before it went bad.

When the victim sakes steps to leave, the abuser will ensnare them by promising to change, showing remorse and showering the victim with gifts and attention. Unfortunately, the remorse doesn't last, but the abuse does.

Barriers to Leaving a Violent Relationship

Victims who stay in violent relationships usually fall into four categories.

Lack of Resources
Has at least one child.
Unemployed: not employed outside the home, no income.
Unable to access cash or bank accounts: no accounts in their own name. Financially dependent on abuser.
Fear of being charged with desertion: threatened with loss of the children and joint assets.
No place to go: no plan of escape. As a result of being isolated has no support system to help.
Fear of decline of living standards: fears that they and their children will suffer due to lack of resources.
Isolated: One of the indications of an abuser is the skill in isolating the victim from their family and friends.

Fear of Physical Harm
The abuser threaten violence, or actually attacks the victim when victim attempts to leave.
Victims fear for the safety of their children or others. Fears that the abuser will retaliate against loved ones.
Despite the presence of a restraining order there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating assault.
Lack of shelters: despite increased availability of housing, there are not enough shelters to keep victims safe.

Institutional Response
Clergy and counselors often see their goal as "saving" the marriage rather then the goal of stopping the violence.

Traditional Ideology
Divorce not an option in some victims belief system.
Victim believes that a violent two parent home is better than a single parent home.
Victim fears failure: feels responsible for marriage or relationship, and sees themselves as a failure if it doesn't work.
Victim rationalizes the abuser's behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, drugs, work, themselves, unemployment, peer group, and other external factors.
The abuser rarely beats victim constantly: During non-violent phases the abuser is loving and fulfills dreams of romantic love.
Victim rationalizes that the abuser is good until a negative event causes them to "blow off steam".

According the U.S. Government website addressing domestic abuse there are a number of tactics that an abuser may use other the physical violence in order to maintain power and control over the victim:

Emotional and verbal abuse: survivors of domestic violent recount stories of put downs, public humiliation, name calling, mind games and manipulation b their partner. Ofter the emotional abuse suffered leaved the deepest scars.

Isolation: Commonly, the abuser acts extremely jealous, insisting that the victim neglect friends and family members. The resulting feeling of isolation may be increased for the victim who loses their job as a result of absenteeism or decreased productivity (a common occurrence to those associated with domestic violence).

Threats and Intimidation: Threats of violence, suicide, or of taking the children are a very common tactic of the batterer.

Escaping the Abusive Relationship:

Getting out of the relationship with domestic violence is a complex problem. Short term and long term solutions must be considered. Short term steps ofter focus on food and shelter. Long term steps educate the public and empower the victims to their right to a life without violence. Support can come in various forms:

Crisis intervention services
Crisis hot lines
Shelters or residential facilities
Medical services
Transportation networks
Law that allow either victims or perpetrators to be removed from the home.
Self help and support groups.
Assertiveness training.
Self esteem building classes
Parenting skill courses.
Legal assistance in property matters, financial support, custody trials, restraining and protective orders.
Help with immigrations status.
Public assistance
Safe housing
Child Care