Virginia Satir: Re-Learning the Art of Being Human

As time marches on, it is becoming increasingly more difficult to be "human" in today's society. More often than not, people are no longer defined by who they are; rather, they are defined by what they do, what they drive, where they live, and how large of an income they earn. Because of this, stress is no stranger to the average adult. As a culture, we are under constant pressure to do more, to make more, and to search for the next best thing. What has this done to us as a species? The answer is quite simple.

We are losing our emotionality. We are becoming less tolerant of our neighbors. We are distancing ourselves from our families and loved ones. We are pushing ourselves to the very edge of what our bodies and minds can handle. Sure, the outcome of this is a technologically confident world that allows us to live more physically comfortable lives; however, physical comfort does not mean much when it occurs in the absence of emotional joy and well-being. We have lost our humanness - the very thing which separates us from animals - our ability to think abstractly, forgive, challenge, and nurture.

"Celebrate 'differentness' in people. See differences in others as an opportunity to learn and explore, rather than as a threat or a signal for conflict." -VS

Learn to appreciate people of other nationalities and cultures. Realize that the major variations between the two of you are language and skin color; without these two things, we're really not that different. This is not to say that you have to learn how to speak another language, or that you have to forsake your opinions in favor of the opinions of others. Simply listen. Listen to what is said, appreciate it, file it in your memory, and go on your way. You may learn something new. You may make a friend. You may even embrace the challenge.

"I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, and understand and to touch another person. When this is done I feel contact has been made." -VS

Have you ever walked away from a conversation knowing that the other person heard what you said? There is a difference between listening to what is said and truly hearing it. This is something I learned in graduate counseling classes. When you really start to listen to people and to hear their stories, you begin to recognize patterns. You begin to understand why they are doing what they are doing. The person's existence begins to make sense to you, and you are better equipped to respond to them in a manner that will be understood and appreciated. Whether you respond with advice or kind words is irrelevant - if you have truly heard their story, you will touch them.

"Be responsible for what you think, say, and do rather than projecting it on others or denying it." -VS

Realize that no action is completed without reason. No human being ever does anything just because - even you. Own your feelings and your emotions. If you find yourself feeling upset, stop in your tracks and take the time to understand why you are really upset. Often times you will find that what you thought had upset you is not the true source of your frustrations. Do not deny your feelings. They are real and worthy of attention and appreciation. Handle your feelings with care so it will be easier for you to heal them later.

"Listen to that 'Wisdom Box' that you have within you when you seek the truth." -VS

Much like our animal counterparts, we have instincts. Our main problem is that we tend to ignore them far too often. Use your instincts when dealing with people. You meet someone for the first time, and that nagging voice in the back of your head leads you to say, "I can't put my finger on it, but something about him bothers me." Use this insight to your advantage. Proceed with caution, and sooner or later, you will figure out what was bothering you. When this happens ...

"Treat people with how you would wish them to be rather than blaming them." -VS

This one is harder to understand. Often times, we stumble across people who drive us crazy with their insecurities, lack of insight, and drama. Realize that it is useless to blame these people for their actions - they don't truly understand why they're doing what they're doing, either, so why would they listen to you? Most of the time, it is much more useful to explain why you feel frustrated with them. Discuss the problem in terms of how you wish they could be. They are much more likely to understand, and they will thank you for it in the end.

The Five Freedoms - according to Virginia Satir

The FREEDOM to see and hear what is here, instead of what should be, was, or will be.

The FREEDOM to say what you feel and think, instead of what you should.

The FREEDOM to feel what you feel, instead of what you ought.

The FREEDOM to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.

The FREEDOM to take risks in your own behalf, instead of choosing to be only "secure" and not rocking the boat.

Be graceful in your humanness and enjoy life. It is guaranteed for far too short a duration.