Voice Mail of the Stars: Tom Cruise

Hello, you've reached the voice mail of Hollywood heavyweight Tom Cruise. Your call is important to Mr. Cruise, so please listen to all of the following options before making your selection so that we can best direct your call. Mr. Cruise can't wait to hear from you.

-- If you would like information about upcoming movies starring Mr. Cruise, press 1.

-- If you would like information about upcoming personal appearances by Mr. Cruise, press 2.

-- If this is about the thing on Oprah's couch, press 3.

BEEP!

You have selected option #3.

Thank you for your interest in Mr. Cruise's appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Mr. Cruise's publicist has already addressed this incident on several occasions and there's really nothing more to say, so let's all just get on with our lives. If you absolutely must dwell on something that happened on Oprah, why don't you pick on that Million Little Pieces guy?

-- If you think Mr. Cruise is an innocent victim of media persecution, press 1.

-- If you think that Million Little Pieces guy is a total douchehole, press 2.

-- If you think Mr. Cruise's bizarre fit on Oprah's couch was a cry for psychiatric help, press 3.

BEEP!

You have selected option #3.

Mr. Cruise appreciates your concern for his wellbeing. However, you should know that psychiatry is a dangerous pseudoscience that poisons the mind and that the only true path to health and happiness is the teachings of the Church of Scientology. Mr. Cruise himself has benefited enormously from Scientology, and so can you.

-- To learn more about the dangers of psychiatry, press 1.

-- To learn more about the wonders of Scientology, press 2.

-- If you think a pretty boy who dropped out of high school and then found fame and fortune dancing in his underwear should keep his opinions about psychiatry to himself, press 3.

BEEP!

You have selected option #3.

I've had just about enough of your shit. Mr. Cruise is a star! His face is recognized around the world, his movies have earned hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, and he's nailed some of the most beautiful women in the world. What have YOU done with YOUR life, huh? Hell, you're probably CRAWLING with thetans.

-- For more information on thetans, press 1.

-- If you're thinking, "No, seriously, what the fuck is a thetan?", press 2.

-- For more information on Mr. Cruise nailing some of the most beautiful women in the world, press 3.

BEEP!

You have selected option #3.

Mr. Cruise's heterosexual conquests have included Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, and many others. Although still young and bursting with heterosexual energy, Mr. Cruise is now married to Hollywood newcomer Katie Holmes, the beautiful young star of Batman Begin, who recently gave birth to their first child, Suri. During the many years of wedded bliss ahead of them, Mr. Cruise will no doubt enjoy Ms. Holmes' charms frequently and heterosexually.

-- For information on Suri Cruise, press 1.

-- For information on Tom and Katie's future plans, press 2.

-- For information on where you can obtain the zombie drug that is obviously being administered to Ms. Holmes in massive doses, press 3.

BEEP!

You have selected option #3.

Ms. Holmes is a strong and independent woman who is acting of her own free will. Her sudden personality change had nothing to do with drugs or a still-unexplained 16-day disappearance during which Scientology high priests conducted bizarre rites including animal sacrifice while acolytes performed the theme to Dawson's Creek on xylophones made from human bones. Any further inquiries regarding Ms. Holmes should be addressed to the Director of Celebrity Recruitment and Zombification at Scientology Galactic Headquarters in Los Angeles, California.

Thank you for taking the time to call Mr. Cruise. Mr. Cruise sincerely appreciates your interest and support and hopes that you will continue to enjoy his movies in the future, even Mission: Impossible 4 if possible. All the best from Tom and Katie.

CLICK!