Voices in My Head: I Am Not GOD

It turns out I am NOT Jesus Christ. I know what you're thinking and I made the same mistake. How can someone so wonderful and just plain good looking like me be anything but the second coming of Christ. Well to ease my mind I decided to run some tests. I needed to know for sure that I wasn't the Son of God. To tell you the truth, I have enough going on right now with my daughter's dance lessons, cutting the grass, occasionally washing the dishes, walking the dog. I really don't have time to save all of mankind from eternal damnation. I was kind of relieved when my tests proved I'm just a regular guy.

To determine if I was in fact Jesus I did some research to find three tests that I could execute that would leave little or no doubt about my omnipotence. Three seemed like a fitting number (Father, Son, Holy Spirit, you get the idea).

My first test turned out to be the most dangerous. I was on my way to work, dressed in my business casual attire when the glimmer of the morning sun off the pool caught my eye. I said to myself 'Artie, if you're the Son of God you can walk on that water'. So I marched myself right over to poolside, looked up to heaven, gave the big guy a wink and took one large step onto the water. I sunk like a rock.

After my loving wife was kind enough to resuscitate me, I dried off and drove to the office. During my commute I thought of my second test. After all, even Jesus wasn't buoyant one hundred percent of the time.

I recalled from the Bible that Jesus had resurrected a guy named Lazarus who had died from a natural illness. Well dear readers it turns out that my father died when I was just a young boy of natural causes. I decided I would attempt to resurrect him. It had been a long time since I visited his grave so I turned my truck around and drove to my hometown. By the time I arrived it was dark but that didn't deter me. I pulled my shovel from the back of the truck and began digging.

The next morning while I was waiting for my wife to bail me out of jail for the heinous charges of grave robbing I came up with my third and final test.

I had a terrible headache from the lecture my wife had given me on the way home so I went upstairs to get some aspirin. I filled a cup with water and took the pills. As soon as my headache was gone I again filled the cup. This time instead of drinking it I intended to change the water into wine just as Jesus did at that wedding. I placed the cup down on the counter and commanded it 'Turn into wine!' Nothing happened. I again commanded the cup but this time pointed at it with the authority of a miracle worker. 'I command you to become wine!' I shouted.

Just then my wife entered the room and asked what I was doing. I looked her deep in the eye, picked up what I thought was my glass of newly formed wine but was actually jewelry polish my wife was soaking her rings in. 'I have just proven that I am the Son of God by turning this water into wine' I explained and took a deep gulp of the substance that removes dirt and grime from jewelry.

That afternoon I woke up in the hospital with my wife and kids at my side. Apparently I had passed out while they were pumping my stomach and I had to stay a few hours while they 'evaluated' me. My tests were complete.

Upon concluding that I am in fact NOT Jesus Christ I realized that the outcome of each of these test was me being saved by my wife. It got me thinking, maybe my wife is actually the second coming of God. She has many of the same characteristics as Jesus. She is kind, she has long hair, and she's always walking around in bare feet. I'll start running some tests in the morning!