Vote for Timmy!

I'm building a politician, in case you're looking to buy one.

For a while there, I was thinking of running for office myself. But I'm not going to lie to you. And there it is. I'm not politically viable, if I can't lie to you.

And then there's tact. Someone clever once defined 'tact' as the art of petting a dog while you reach for a sharp stick. Tact, I don't have. Tact, like 8-track tapes and velour, I gave up long ago.

So, instead of running for office myself, I'm building Timmy. Yes, Timmy. It's the least threatening name I could think of. (And given the current crop of sickos in Congress, I could hardly go with 'Lassie.')

Timmy is something new. Timmy makes sense, Timmy is honest. On the down side, Timmy is an imaginary character, but if you look around at the current crop of options, well, WHY NOT? Democrats are too busy trying to reset their garden sundials for Daylight Savings Time. And Republicans are too busy asking for campaign contributions, so they can get re-elected, so they can fight for term limits.

So I'm building Timmy, and coding him for great things. We'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I know. In the highly-touted new Health Care system, we're gonna have 200,000 fewer care-givers, but 30 million more care-demanders, and Washington plans to solve that piddling little mathematical anomaly in the obvious way: by hiring 16,000 more IRS agents. I can't fix that.

Yeah, I know. You don't have a job, you can't afford a car, you can't afford a house, you don't want to live in public housing, and you can't afford to say 'God' in public. I can't fix that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life is tough, life is weird. Whatever. Bunch o' whiners.

Look: I can't fix all that stuff. And neither can Timmy.

But I've coded Timmy with an alternative agenda that is guaranteed to please. Timmy will ease past the phenomenally huge things that are rending our delicate social fabric, and focus on grass-roots stuff: i.e., pet peeves. Timmy will address a laundry list of irritations that have been avoided for far too long. Witness:

Under the Timmy Administration, certain persons, groups, or things will be targeted for summary execution, unless we think of a more harsh penalty like, say, eternal life spent in a north Georgia flea market, stuck between someone selling commemorative railroad plates, and a pit-bull owner hawking free perfume samples.

Here's the current "these things must go" list:

• Drivers who putt along in the left lane, treating it like their own personal kingdom, or who motor along for 1800 consecutive miles with their left turn signal on, or who haven't yet figured out that their car is even equipped with a turn signal. Timmy may decide to just put all of these irritants in a giant bumper-car cage, charge admission and take bets, and delegate ultimate justice to Darwinian science.

• Senators who say that another Senator's activity is 'beneath the dignity of the Senate.' This is an especially vile travesty, and may require immediate intervention by the new Spanish Inquisition Czar.

• Phone message systems that helpfully remind you that 'when you're done, you can hang up'

• Drugs with a list of side-effects that are longer than the list of potential benefits. Punishment will be doubled if the side-effects include the word "leakage."

• Home security ads that claim that, during an actual emergency, they will really discuss the details of your on-going home invasion BEFORE you provide them with 28 super-secret security codes that you forgot, long ago

• Appliance stores who sell you a clothes dryer that runs on electricity, and then charge you extra for the electrical cord

• Musicians who release 'Greatest Hits' albums that include one song you can't get anywhere else

• Hollywood pacifists who want to kick your butt because you won't sign their 'World Peace' petition

• People on Facebook who invite you to become a fan of things like the 'Eaton Hurl Diner & Bug Spray Museum, Located Just Off The Possum Colon Highway Spur In Lard Neck, Arkansas'

• People in the grocery's '10 Items Or Less' checkout lane who bicker for 28 minutes about their 4-cents-off coupon, or who approach the concept of writing a personal check as if the activity had never before been considered in the known universe

• Mexican restaurants that provide you with a fork that's been pounded flatter than Chernobyl real estate sales, and a knife that hasn't seen soap & water since Chichen Itza's gala grand opening (featuring Frank Sinatra singing 'Maya Way' and 'If I Only Had A Heart')

• Anyone who takes the time to answer a survey and responds 'no opinion'

• Anyone who uses 'impact' as a verb. If they use 'interface' as a verb, it will be considered a hate crime.

• Anyone who actually gets excited about an increased level of 'Bifidus Regularis' in their breakfast products

• Anyone who uses a badly-recorded version of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony as their cellphone ringtone. If they can't figure out how to turn off the ringtone, citizens have the right to immediately stone them.

• Anyone who says 'shoot me an email' or 'I just wanted to reach out to you.' If they invite you to 'interface,' you have the authority to spine-gas them on sight.

• Anyone who says with a straight face that Adam Sandler, in his last movie, made some 'interesting creative choices'

• Anyone who asks 'How much is your free membership?'

• Farmville. I need not say more.

So vote for Timmy! And stay tuned! In his second term, I plan to have him tackle network television programming executives.