Voting Rights for Great Apes?

Guess who's coming to dinner? A Wayne State University Medical School professor is arguing that since great apes share nearly the same genetic make-up as people, they ought to be given human legal status. No, really, this is true. Recognizing the similar emotional, social and intellectual characteristics of humans and apes as well as apes' rudimentary language skills would be the first step in extending them the same legal protections and rights as human beings.

Gorillas, chimpanzees, bonobos and orangutans are classified as genus Pan Troglodytes, while humans are considered the last surviving species of genus Homo. It's long been understood that chimpanzees share about 98 percent of genes in common with humans, but by ignoring so-called "junk DNA" that doesn't affect coding, genetics professor Morris Goodman has determined the match is actually 99.4 percent. That's as pure as Ivory Soap.

Goodman's idea, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science and mimicking -- or should it be called "aping" -- that of 1975's Animal Liberation author Peter Singer, is that granting human status is a logical extension of the historical process of human assimilation. From capturing and eating enemies of the clan to eventual laws against cannibalism; outlawing slavery and genocide; and adopting universal suffrage, each step was a recognition that "others" were actually the same.

I figure there's got to be an easier way to protect the great apes from extinction than going this route in a country in which all too many jugheads still question the humanity of minorities, immigrants and gays. But it sure will be great fun watching Rush Limbaugh, John Hagee, Anne Coulter and Sarah Palin get all flummoxed over this one. I hope for his sake Goodman wasn't using federal bailouts!

Now don't go dismissing this out of hand. Work with me here. If what Goodman says is true, then I'm betting the opposite also holds; that there are some sub-species of Homo Sapiens whose DNA just doesn't cut it. True, apes' hygiene isn't all it could be, but on the other hand none of them cost stockholders and pensioners trillions of dollars in credit default swaps and exotic financial derivatives; rejected a kid for kidney dialysis because of the small print in an HMO contract; or ever used the words, "I did not have sex with that woman."

If Goodman wants to add the 250,000 or so great apes left in the wild to the already burgeoning human population, then we need a trade-off to weed out some of our less desirable relatives. I'm sure if we conducted tests on, say, trial attorneys who use billboards to solicit for class action and disability lawsuits, we'd find they had the DNA of pond scum. We could easily come up with the quarter million we need to break even. In fact we could probably throw in lab rats and still come out ahead.

The list of those whose genetic match simply can't be the same as yours and mine is nearly endless: Telemarketers, credit card executives, Internet scammers, guests on the Jerry Springer show, people who watch the Jerry Springer show, the lady at the 7-11 who gives you back 99 cents in coins rather than forgetting about the penny.

How about any politician who has ever broken an election promise -- or is that redundant? Or the people at the insurance company whose jobs it is to automatically deny all claims unless you raise hell. Then there're those drivers who weave in and out and cut you off if you leave more than two feet between your car and the one in front. Or, hey! how about people who sit down next to you at Outback and start screaming into their cell phones? They have to be pretty low on the food chain. I've never seen an orangutan use a cell phone.

There are social implications, of course. Any change in apes' legal status could have unforeseen consequences. For instance, will ordinances require a third bathroom in public facilities, something with stumps and leaves? Or how about public schools? Imagine that flap over bilingual education. Urh. Urh. Cheee. Arrraugh! Will doctors be as thoughtless in over scheduling patients to only leave them in their waiting room if they knew one could weigh 800 lbs. and might rip their limbs out of their sockets? It surely would be politically incorrect to accuse someone of "monkeying around" or call a bully a "big gorilla." Maybe chimpanzees are as offended by people calling them "chimps" as Japanese correctly are when people call them "Japs."

Cocktail parties could take on a whole new atmosphere what with hairy guests swinging from rafters, beating their chests and dragging their knuckles on the floor. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot about NASCAR and the NBA. We've already got lots of hairy guys rafter swinging, chest beating and knuckle dragging.

But all in all, I think these minor problems can be overcome. After all, it could be worse. It could be little yappy dogs or pigeons that are our genetic match. How would you like your daughter marrying one of them?