Wait

the contrast makes me ill
there are pages i can't turn
set the book aside and look away
i'll leave it in the car tonight, forgotten.

stray headlight beam hits the window
catches my hand where it rests on the wheel
blinks a confession out, some silent code
reminds me of now; this is ever.

cast off trust and long-lost ideals
they were buried with me in the yard
in the woods i lay silent, forgiving, despised
under the earth that he turned

i was there just as sure as she was.

broken glass and rage and when i tried to fight
i lost
there are some monsters worse than those
under your bed

i wished for magic
wished for strength
i wished for black and nothing
faded
wished for death.

wrapped up like garbage in his hands, i fell
waited, tripped and sighed, gave up and lost
i was the everything and nothing all at once
i was the hate inside the love that ate me up
i was a corpse
marionette, i danced.

the dark was a threat and i could hardly breathe
i was walls and floor and vacant
naked, soaking up the blame and blood
like wine, your altar damaged
at your feet

invisible invisible invisible invisible in
visible
in
destructible
and when i said why did you
i was the answer
every time
and there was nothing in those words
that could be saved.

corpse doll, marionette
lace up your shoes
and dance.

and when the strings broke i sang
fought against the hands that grabbed for me
spun like mad, perpetual motion
keeping the world away
until night
and the tentative voice that reached through space
and caught my words and held them
to the light

in a different life i said
i love your hands
restless and uneasy
remembering before
i need them now to take away the dark
quiet and afraid to ask
i wait for you to speak.