Wake Me Up: 20 Snippets of Someone Else's Life

20
I often find myself wishing that life was more than a series of flashing events and moments. Something more than inching down the high tension string that could snap at any second.

19
Snap
Andrew takes a picture of me as soon as I walk through the front door. The flash seems to come out of nowhere and attacks the pupils of my eyes, leaving me blind and even more confused than I usually am.

Andrew looks at me with that stupid smile he always wears, "Gotcha!"

He runs as I chase him through the house.

18
I was singing in the car again. It was midnight and I was the only person on the road, going almost eighty, screaming the lyrics to Madonna's "Like A Virgin". When I sing I also like to try and dance and shake my body a little, but it's hard when you're strapped onto the car seat. A cop drove up next to me and shook his head.

Busted
I slammed my face into a sliding glass door yesterday. For some reason I thought that was the kind of thing you learn early on in life not to do. Some things you never really learn...

17
Mickey is not only my brother Andrew's dog, he is also my enemy. He must be less than a quarter of my size, but he has proved himself to be a worthy adversary. Andrew tells me that Mickey usually likes everyone, and never gives anyone any problems. I watch Mickey walk up to all of Andrew's friends and lick their hands. I watch them pick him up and give him treats and tell him he's a "good, sweet puppy". Mickey runs over to me and I tell him to "sit". He throws up on my shoe.

16
Drinking alone is a lot more fun than it sounds.

15
I wake up this morning on the floor with Mickey's butt in my face. I don't have a pillow or blanket and I'm in the same clothes I was wearing the night before. Andrew walks in, and I realize I'm in the kitchen.

"Rough night?"

"More like rough morning."

There's a puddle of drool on the linoleum floor where my mouth used to be. It's amazing how you don't have to be awake for more than a minute before you realize that you are pretty much the coolest person you know... or the most pathetic. Probably pathetic, but when you're still a little drunk it could go either way.

14
Bill makes me dinner every Friday night. He always makes the same thing, which is teriyaki chicken and potato salad. I don't like either, but I never have the heart to tell him. I don't know why he always makes the same thing, I'm tempted to conduct an investigation through his fridge and cupboards to see if he just has a lifetime supply of chicken and potatoes. This would be a lot easier if I could cook.

13
I wouldn't say I have an anger problem, but I can't help but feel the silent rage grow inside me with every person I meet.

12
Andrew's new girlfriend Judy has told Andrew six times that she wanted to meet me. Six times in one conversation. I could hear her voice crescendo in excitement with every giggle through Andrew's cell phone. He hung up and repeated her request back to me as if I couldn't have possibly heard her.

"She's too needy, you should dump her."

"You never like the girls I date."

"You never date any girls I like."

"Well, then that's just perfect. Honestly Jane, you act like your shit doesn't smell. You're the last person who should be criticizing anyone."

11
As the sound of the closing door echoes in my brain, so does the realization that the keys are still inside the car. Along with my cell phone. Along with Mickey. Along with the one year old girl that I agreed to baby-sit for the afternoon. Her name is Brittany. Mickey starts barking, trying to point out my mistake to the entire world, and doesn't stop until the policeman arrives.

10
Bill likes to rub my feet even though they kind of smell. I guess he doesn't mind or he would've said something by now.

9
I get nervous in elevators. Especially the small ones that make a lot of squeaking noises and have an old people stench. I've never been stuck in one but I feel like 85.9% of the population has at some point in their lives. That's not an exact statistic. I really don't know stuff like that even though I find that I often pretend that I do.

8
"One day we'll just run away together," said Bill as he handed me my shirt. "We'll just run away from our stupid lives and start one that's better."

"And leave all this? Where else could we find this kind of excitement and adventure?"

Bill finds that sometimes it's better to just shut up than try to convince me of anything. It gets harder everyday to pretend that I don't love him.

7
I end up at the special dinner Andrew and Judy arranged for their close friends... drunk. I had a feeling I wouldn't last long in the waters without some positive reinforcement from my old friend, the prestigious Captain Morgan, so I came prepared.

A woman at the party named Marla asks if the man I came into the grocery store with yesterday was my father. I tell her, "He's not my father. He's my lover, and we did it in the storage room in the back of the store," as I accidentally spill wine down the front of my white blouse. We didn't really do anything in the grocery store except buy some more chicken and potatoes, but I have the rare ability to make people believe anything I say.

I still haven't seen or heard from Andrew, and it's been weeks. I think he moved in with Judy.

6
I'm stuck in a vicious and cruel cycle of thoughts. I'm trying to fall asleep, but I can't because the TV is on. The TV is on because the remote is two feet out of my reach. The remote cannot be reached if I don't get up. If I get up I won't be able to retrieve the most comfortable position I've ever laid in. Therefore, all I can do is lay in my half-asleep state going though the bitter cruelty of the situation. Life isn't fair.

5
Mickey bit me again, but this time it was in an awkward place. I've never bitten anyone in the armpit before, but I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for either of us.

4
"I heard Bill Patterson's wife is having another baby," Rachel said to me as we were walking Mickey through the park.

"So?"

"So... is it true? You baby-sit for their daughter sometimes don't you?

"Yeah, sometimes."

"Well?"

"Well, don't believe everything you hear."

Rachel patted Mickey's small head, and he wagged his tail. "His wife's beautiful, I mean really beautiful. That man has got it all."

"So I've heard."

3
I haven't seen Andrew or Judy in a month until they appeared at the house. They brought a girl I used to work with named Rachel and a balding man with a clipboard. The balding man explained to me that these are the people who care about me and they had a few things to say about my drinking problem. I had a flashing mental picture of my funeral, and the whole church was empty except for these three people and my dead body. I ran out the door.

2
I've forgotten everything I've ever learned, and now I teach myself. Sometimes if you ignore a problem it goes away.

1
Bill called me to tell me that he wasn't coming over because his wife was in labor. It was ten minutes to midnight and I was alone in the house. He said that there's good chance that theirs will be one of the first babies born in the new year. I hung up on him and swallowed the rest of the wine in my glass.

Happy New Year
Andrew came back at three A.M. staggering and covered in confetti.

"Happy new year, bitch!" he said as he took a picture of me. Then he tripped over Mickey who had ran over to greet him, and the camera broke into five pieces on the hardwood floor. The film had unraveled and sprung all over the place. I looked down at him for a second, watching him rub his knee and push Mickey to get away from him, and then I began to laugh uncontrollably. I laughed until I was rolling on the ground next to him, holding my stomach because it hurt from laughing so hard. I laughed to the point where I was on the brink of insanity, until finally... I stopped.