Waking Up in a Canoe

I get that, where am I? I'm so confused right now. It's bright and very sloshy.

Are you surrounded by water?

What do you think, genius?

Ah, I was afraid of that. It seems that you may have made a regretful decision to take your canoe out for a spin... or a drift. I don't really know what the correct terminology would be for that. I don't have a canoe.

Yeah, no s***..

Alright, stay calm. Can see you land anywhere?

My heads kind of spinning right now, let me get up- wahahaha woah!

I don't think that standing up in a canoe is really recommended. I think they're made for sitting.

I GET THAT! Umm, there's land on both sides of me. It looks pretty scary though. Jungle-like. Oh, holy f***! There's a Goddamn gator!

Oh, wow. I wasn't expecting that. Umm, do you see any way to distract him? Maybe get on land and make a run for it?

Well, I have my phone in my pocket. Maybe I could just ca-

Quick, throw your phone and leap out of the canoe!

But I have service I think I could jus-

DO IT!

AHHHHH!!!

Okay, so you threw your phone right? Where are you now?

I'm running through the jungle! It's kind of creepy but I feel so wild and free!

Hmm, got ya. Look for the position of the sun, try to find out which way you're going.

Well, I'm not really sure if it's evening or morning. Passing out does that to you.

Good point. Do you have any way to tell time?

Well, my phone...

That was your only way to tell time?

Yes.

Did you have service?

Yes, but...

Dude, what the f***?! Why did you throw it!

You told me to!

Listen, this is no time to place blame. We need to get you out of here. Quick, remove all articles of clothing.

I actually already did that. Didn't I tell you how free I felt?

Good. Now we're on the same wave length. Can you remember anything of last night? Anything at all?

Sort of..

Think, man! Think!

Okay, okay! Umm, I was drinking with this dude named Bryce, when we decided to jump in the canoe...

Bryce? You mean, there was someone with you? Was he still in the canoe when you jumped out?

Well, yeah. He was kind of passed out. I guess I should've mentioned that?

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

You're supposed to be getting me out of here! I'm just listening to you! I don't know?!

Umm... turn around.

But the aligator's back there. With my phone.

Right. WIth your phone and your best friend and your canoe.

Fine.

You're back at the canoe, right?

Yeah... but Bryce is gone.

Oh, yeah, you've been away for a good hour or two now. He's probably dead. I guess you should've already assumed that one.

What?!

Yeah, your best friend's dead. Listen, get back in the canoe!

That's where I started at...

Don't second guess me! Haven't I led you right this whole way?

Well, actually no. No you haven't.

God, fine, you can just die out here.

Alright! What do I do?

Are you back in the canoe yet?

Yeah, there's a lot of blood stains and ripped flesh.

That's just the remains of your best friend. You can use those to distract the gators.

What? But...but...

Stop your crying! Now, turn the canoe around and start rowing.

Where will that get me?

Home.

Shouldn't I have done this to begin with?

That's the risk you take when listening to me.

You suck.

Blow me.