Walgreens of the Dead

I love them. They are the Starbucks of pharmaceuticals. At this point, when I come up to a stoplight I am actually angry when I don't see a Walgreens on my right or left just in case I have an immediate need for a Power Bar or a Snuggie . Because of their convenient locations, they have taken a large share of my wallet. I go there for a few items plus, of course, to fill out the occasional prescription. I know that the few items I grab are higher priced than the grocery store down the block but I don't care. In these situations I'm in a hurry and they were the closest option.

Now, realize that I said I needed A FEW THINGS. I'm not stocking up for the winter. I don't need a shopping cart. Which leads me to the main focus of the story:

WHY ARE THERE SHOPPING CARTS AT WALGREENS? Are you F---ing kidding me? That makes as much sense as having shopping carts at a gas station.

YET THEY DO EXIST. AND WHERE I LIVE...THE ENTIRE STORE IS FILLED WITH CUSTOMERS USING THEM.

CUSTOMERS WHOSE COMBINED AGE IS AROUND 1.3 MILLION.THE WALKING DEAD ....WITH COUPONS.

ANCIENT CUSTOMERS. SHOPPING WITH THEIR FOSSILIZEDSIGNIFICANT OTHER.

COUPONS FOR THE WRONG ITEMS.

You know, I can't wait until I'm 75 years old like these customers. I fantasize about the day I wake up, look at my wrinkled wife and say:

"Honey! We are out of everything. Let's go to Walgreens!"

I will slip on my Keds, put on my Blue-Blockers, and jump into my faded green Crown Vic.

I may be so excited that I forget to wear pants.

My wife and I will ooze inside the sliding glass doors and grab the nearest miniature shopping cart. With the air
conditioning blowing on my bald head I will move with purpose at 4 IPM (Inches Per Minute) salivating to spend at least 20% more than just going to AN ACTUAL GROCERY STORE. I will ask every young person who happens to be wearing a tie or even just a decent shirt if he/she is the manager and become enraged to find they are simply shopping.

I will push my overflowing midget cart up to the front and reach my leathery hands into my front shirt pocket for my "coupons." I will happily hand the cashier the following:

A. one business card from my doctor

B. 2 for 1 coupon from Denny's

C. 17 Skee Ball tickets

I will then look back at a line of people behind me that are holding no more than a handful of items and begin to smile. I will let out a dirt fart that would knock over an elephant because I don't care. Besides, I can't smell or taste. With a drool filled grin, I then begin to argue with the cashier about the validity of the above coupons and somehow get 10% off my entire order.

My wife and I will drive home with our heads barely poking over the steering wheel and I dream of only one thing before I die.

In 2 weeks I will be out of everything AGAIN. And I can return to the great Walgreens.

It will be another glorious day.