Wanted: Writer Seeks Alternate Personality

Many people tell me that they know exactly the type of person I am. They say there is no hidden mystery or dark side to my personality that has yet to be discovered. This sort of upsets me. I would like to be mysterious to some extent. I don't want to be an open book that bores people after a few chapters. I want to have a hidden side; I want to have depth; and dammit, I am going to get some.

So, to start me on my way to becoming a more intriguing individual, I have decided to adopt an alter ego. Hey, many writers do this. I know writers who can float in and out of their alter egos without so much as batting an eyelash. The world may think they are tortured souls when reading their words, but away from the computer, their most tortured experience is being a night manager of the local 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts. If these writers can capture the imagination of their readers, I can too! Well, maybe capturing people's imaginations might be too much to ask. How about if I just get an alternate personality that makes people wonder if I have to take medication on a daily basis or if it is an on-again, off-again thing depending on my moods.

In keeping with this new quest of adding dimension to my personality, I have come up with several possibilities for my alter ego. These are not cast in stone, so if anyone has other alter ego suggestions that they think might serve me better, feel free to let me know.

Harry Putter (the next best thing to Harry Potter): I don't have to be the real Harry Potter - just a pseudo Harry Potter. I would want to be cute and speak with a British accent. I would also want to be able to fly around on a broomstick because that is so environmentally correct, and, of course, I would want the power to change people who annoy me into rodents or inanimate objects. I think as Harry Putter, I could solve the entire road rage epidemic that exists in this country. Yes, anyone who cuts me off or switches lanes without using a turn signal gets zapped and turned into a poor bug who only becomes aware that he is a bug just as he is about to go splat on my windshield. See, I can be dark. I think this alter ego would be spectacular at horror fiction.

Alberta Einstein (Rocket Scientist): I hear the giggles already. But let me just say that I took AP Physics in high school. Yeah, I bet that surprised a bunch of you. Okay, ceramics was closed and I needed an elective and I thought "How hard can this be?" and it was really hard, but I passed. Granted, I never begged so much in my life, but I passed. So, I think that I can pull off a rocket scientist alter ego. I would not have to be someone on the Stephen Hawking level. I see my alter ego as a run-of-the-mill, NASA, female scientist who toils endlessly in the lab trying to find ways to make the lavatory experience in space more comfortable for the astronauts. I would think that a lab rat of this stature could have a truly dark side to her personality, and I can see her writing some intense science fiction.

Lola Fallover (Exotic Dancer): This personality would represent the darkest of sides, but on a positive note, I would probably have a lot of extra dollar bills to spend on fun things. No one is more tortured or misunderstood than the exotic dancer who is forced into this life due to some heartbreaking tragedy that was not of her making. Okay, some just like to strip for the money, but still they are probably still tortured. Anyway, I can see Lola writing a lot of erotic fiction. I bet she has the stories and the vocabulary to win her an adult fiction award or two.

Alice Brady (live-in housekeeper): This character even comes with theme music. Sing to the tune of the "Brady Bunch". Here's the story - of Alice Brady - who was living with a blended family. There were six kids plus dopey parents, but Alice is the true Mystery. I'm sorry; I think this alter ego got carried away. Anyway, Alice has to be tortured. She cleans up after all those kids while the husband and wife put on shows in the backyard and pretend to have sex. What does Alice have? Nothing - except a small cramped room off the kitchen. I would be tortured and bitter in this situation too. So, I think Alice could write cooking/murder mystery novels where all the victims are killed in the gourmet kitchens of celebrity homes.

Well, those are all the alter egos I could come up with right now. Feel free to suggest any others to me. I will keep an open mind. Rest assured, one day, I will come up with the perfect "other personality" that might shock the hell out of the writing world. Or maybe, I already own an alternate personality, and readers just do not recognize my other half. Yes, maybe I have become my alter ego. Happy reading!