War of the Worms

(cheesy big band music)

ANNOUNCER: Yow-sa, yow-sa! Welcome to the Radio Ballroom, featuring Benny Mendel's All-Chimp Orchestra, coming to you live from the Champagne Lounge high atop the Dingler Building. Tonight Benny welcomes the Lansing Sisters...

(applause)

ANNOUNCER: Harvey Cantell and his magic viola...

(applause)

ANNOUNCER: And the Astounding Lumbar; radio magician...

(applause)

ANNOUNCER: And now here's Benny Mandel asking the musical question, "Little Brown Jug."

(music plays. Cut off. Ticker sounds)

THEODORE WENTLY: We interrupt Radio Ballroom for this news bulletin. This is Theodore Wently of WKRX news. Heavy rains have hit our area. Very heavy rains. It's raining very hard. More on this story as it develops. We return you now to the Radio Ballroom.

(music picks up, Cuts off, ticker sounds)

THEODORE WENTLY: This just in. Apparently the heavy rains are causing worms to crawl out of the ground. A lot of worms. More worms than you could possibly imagine. More about this as it comes in. We return you now to our musical interlude.

(Music again, ticker cuts in )

THEODORE WENTLY: This is Theodore Wently with this special new bulletin. We are bringing you the latest news concerning the worm situation. We go live to New Jersey were Mary Mae McKay is on the scene.

(traffic sounds, rain, thunder, squishy noises)

MARY MAY MCKAY: Yes, Theodore. I'm here outside the Grover Mill Worm Farm where I'm watching an amazing number of worms crawl up out of the ground. It's a huge writhing mass of ululating invertebrates. A slithering, shiny, mucusy mountain of Phylum Annelida. They seem to be moving this way with surprising speed. Yes, they are definitely headed this way. Look at that, they're just a few yards from us, gaining speed, a tidal wave of---oh my God!!

(static)

THEODORE WENTLY: Mary? Mary? That was Mary Mae McKay from New Jersey. Apparently we've lost our line to her. I'm sure it's due to some technical difficulty and not a murderous horde of wet earthworms. More on this story as it develops. We return you now to our musical interlude...

(music. Ticker)

THEODORE WENTLY: We interrupt this program for this update on the Worm Invasion. We go live to Carlton Jameson, somewhere near the Lincoln tunnel.

(sirens, gun fire, car horns, screams)

CARLTON JAMESON: Yes, Theodore, I'm atop our broadcast truck, outside the Jersey entrance to the tunnel and I'm watching what can only be described as a river of worms inching their way to the tunnel, drawn as if by some primeval force. They
are crushing cars and buses, carrying the mangled frames along with them like floodwaters. The army is powerless to stop them. Bullets can't harm them. Rockets are useless and army knives...forget it, you cut them in half and both halves start crawling after you. New York City is being evacuated even as we speak. People are fleeing into Long Island, into the heart of potato country. But we have reports of massive rains chasing thousands of worms up from the rich soil of Suffolk and Nassau counties and they too are approaching New York City from the east. Oh the humanities!

(static. Ticker resumes)

THEODORE WENTLY: Carlton? Carlton, are you there? It seems we're having more of those technical difficulties. We'll return you to the Benny Mendel orchestra for the time being.

(Music resumes. Gets cut off again. Ticker sounds)

THEODORE WENTLY: This is Theodore Wently again, from the WKRX newsroom. The worms have entered midtown, reeking havoc and destruction. Central Park is a sea of worms, trees and foliage are simply disappearing. Oh, my, oh my. The Chrysler Building is gone! I repeat, the Chrysler Building is gone. Mankind seems helpless against this slimy, segmented onslaught! There are further reports of worm herds in Oswego, Tennafly, Trenton and many cities in the listening area. All branches of the military say they are powerless to halt the invasion. We now return you to---

(phone rings)

THEODORE WENTLY: Hello? One moment, listeners. I'm being told...we have on the phone Dr. Victor Vanhenderson, the noted worm expert at New York University. Dr. Vanhenderson, are you there?

DR. VANHENDERSON: (on phone) Hello? Yes, I'm here! It's the music. The worms are coming for the music. Stop cutting back to the music!

THEODORE WENTLY: Really? It's the music that's attracting them?

DR. VANHENDERSON: (on phone) Yes. So don't cut back to the Champagne Lounge.

THEODORE WENTLY: This is an interesting development. We'll be informing authorities about this and await their response. While we're waiting, let's go back to Benny Mandel---

DR. VANHENDERSON: (on phone) No, you idiot! Don't!

THEODORE WENTLY: Oh. Right. So I guess we won't.

NARRATOR: Once the music was halted, the worms began to dissipate, burrowing back into the earth from whence they came. Except for a couple that got caught by some fishermen who needed bait. But soon nature returned to her balance and
mankind was able to rebuild. But mankind was never to forget this terrible War of the Worms!

(music sting, play out)

Yes, it was this very broadcast which prevented Orson Welles from being considered a radio genius for an entire year.