Warning Signs in New Relationships

It might be thought that all of this is already well-known information; but considering both the high rate of abused women and the high rate of divorce, perhaps clarifying some of the most important and most noticeable "warning signs" can be beneficial in helping women recognize potential disaster while they still have the strength and ability to walk away from it before it takes too great a toll on their lives.

Although I will break it down into smaller discussions, THE most significant element that one cannot afford to overlook is a "too much, too soon" attitude. "Love-at-first-sight" is such a rare occurrence that it's safe to say it does not exist in reality; for your own sake, please do not get caught up in a "whirlwind courtship" where you are unable to recognize such danger signs as the following:

When the person you have known for a day, a week, a month, insists on a commitment-- especially one which includes exclusivity-- this is never a good beginning. When one is this extreme, you can be fairly certain that that he is either so immature and needy that he is someone you probably would not want in your life, or, even worse, is possessive, controlling, wishing to "shrink your world" as quickly as possible-- an abuser hiding behind a mask of love-at-first-sight and total devotion. This is the most important "red flag" which you must not ignore.

A person who wishes to become involved with you will likely say that he wants to know "everything about you." It is prudent to take notice of what that means to the person, regarding whether his intent is legitimate. If he is on-the-level, he will want to know such common-sense basics as what you like to do in your free time, what kind of work you do, etc.; it would appear to be "only logical," but far too many women do not realize that if he bypasses the topics of "you-the-person-in-your-everyday-life" and instead puts his emphasis of interest on the subjects of your past and details of your prior relationship history, this is a very clear red flag. In a normal, healthy relationship, the individuals involved focus on getting to know each other in the present-day-- what they have in common, whether their lifestyles and personalities are compatible, whether or not they get along with each other; it is a sign that there is nothing normal or healthy about it if a person wishes to know "all the issues of your past" shortly after you've met.

While it is probably not as well-known, if a person begins to put "too much, too soon" focus on your family, this should not be overlooked as a possible problem. If he attempts to "get in good" with your children or your parents before he has taken the time to get to know you, do not discount the very real possibility that he is stationing himself in your personal life by allying your family to him; if you have not made a permanent commitment to this person, it will be much more difficult to end or ward off the relationship if he has already put himself in your family's lives. A true abuser may use your own family as leverage to attempt to extract a commitment from you.

Every person, especially adults, need some degree of "my" and "can"-first, that which is exclusively yours, depending on your own personal circumstances such things as your own personal space, possessions, time for yourself, your home, friends, etc.; and second, the things that you are able to do. If you find that the meaning of those words are quickly shrinking, that there is little you can claim as exclusively yours and little you can do which does not include this person, your status as a full-fledged adult (and even as a full-fledged human being) is being intruded upon. If everything which is yours and everything that you do suddenly must include his presence, his input, your world is getting smaller and your life is being taken over. This also includes a person who insists on monopolizing all of your time.

In a normal, healthy relationship, the two individuals accept each other-- and that includes each other's differences. The beginning of a relationship is not the time for one to state everything he does not like about you and your life and expect you to "change" these things to suit him. The main point to keep in mind is if the person claims so many things about you which he does not like, he shouldn't have chosen to become involved with you in the first place. Telling you or prodding you to "change" this and that and the other thing is not about "compromise," it is about a control-freak who believes you must sacrifice yourself. Whether it is something small, such as your choice of clothing, or larger, such as how you run your household, it is "not o.k." for someone to walk into your life and make his point-of-view the deciding factor in how those things "should and must" be.

Similarly, if he discounts or dismisses your opinions, beliefs, wishes, goals, etc., this is someone who does not see a relationship as being balanced, someone who does not consider you as having equal value and equal status. All people have subjects and issues on which they disagree; how those disagreements are approached is what is important-- people in normal, healthy relationships consider the other person's view to be as valid as his own; consequently, it is a sign that this is not normal or healthy if differences are pointed at as "you are wrong; let's do it my way."

Given the lifestyle in many locations these days, it's also important to note that if a person who is new to your life places far too much focus on the subject of sex, this is not a positive sign. If that topic is the only topic at hand, it is understandable; but if the person is interested in forming a true, meaningful relationship, it does not begin with an extreme emphasis on sex.

If the person displays a very negative attitude toward others, it is also something you cannot afford to dismiss. Everyone has people in their lives whom they do not especially like and/or do not get along with, but if most of the people in his life (past and present) fall into this category, you most likely have a rigid, self-centered individual who believes that the human race is essentially here to suit him. Take notice if he hates his boss, his coworkers, his neighbors, etc.; but even more significant a warning sign is if he has something negative to say about everyone with whom he was previously involved-- it is not nearly as rare as one might wish to think: if he claims there was something bad about nearly every woman he's ever known, you probably have on your hands a misogynist who likes to portray himself as a victim, and will most likely at some point in time put you on that "list."

All of these are signs that you may be getting into something you do not want and are not prepared for. A normal, healthy relationship is based on respect-- and if you carefully review the above-mentioned subjects, it is not difficult to see that while a person who wishes a balanced relationship demonstrates respect for both the woman he chooses to become involved with and her life in general, a person who seeks imbalance and control has and shows no such respect. And as for the individuals who fall into the second category-- all women deserve better than that.