Warning to Single Parents: Keep Your Kids and Your Social Life Separate

What many people are not aware of is that it is natural for kids to need to bond. Although individual personalities vary, whether a child had, lost and misses his or her biological parent, or never had one at all, they continue to have the wish for an "intact" family, and, consciously or not, view their parent's opposite-gender peers as "potentials" to fill that role, whether the parent sees it that way or not. Due to this factor, kids generally begin to bond quite quickly and easily-- and it is not difficult for disreputable persons to exploit them in this manner. This subject is equally relevant whether your kids are six years old or sixteen.

The life of a single parent usually contains peer-aged individuals in many different forms of relationships. In addition to co-workers and neighbors, you likely have numerous platonic friends of the opposite gender, and possibly others with whom you have a more personal relationship; but in the latter category, whether you are simply socializing for the sake of interacting with others in your age group or if you are contemplating a more serious relationship, it cannot be stressed too strongly that your family life with your kids and your personal interactions with your social group should be kept apart.

It is wise to begin with the most common sense concept: a relationship is between the two adults who are involved with each other. If your kids are of the personality type which feel "left out" of your social life, it is necessary to create a balance between the two, without giving in to any pressure to "include" your kids in your peer group. For kids to want to be included in everything is natural-- but for your adult-aged peers to want it that way is not. If there is someone who is relatively new in your life, please take special care of these very significant warning signs: if this person begins by placing undue emphasis on forming a relationship with your kids, or if his focus is on doing everything "as a family," these are the first danger signs that his purpose for becoming involved with you is not about you at all.

Termed "psychological incest" by Dr. Susan Forward, who elaborates on this subject to include other trusted adults in a child's realm, not only blood-relatives, is also described by John Bradshaw: "Emotional sexual abuse results from crossgenerational bonding." Paraphrasing Pia Mellody, who is in charge of a co-dependency treatment unit in Arizona: "when an adult has a relationship with the child that is more important than the relationship he has with the child's parent, this is Emotional Sexual Abuse."

This type of crossgenerational bonding can cover a wide range of behaviors-- all are abusive, putting both the child and his or her parent in a very unfair position; it sabotages and frequently destroys the longterm relationship between the parent and the child. One who acts on this behavior forms an inappropriate and unhealthy bond with the child-- it can include such things as an adult taking a kid into his confidence, discussing personal matters, telling "dirty jokes," presenting himself as trustworthy when he is not, alienating the child against his or her parent, allying the child to himself. He may present himself as the kid's "buddy" or "pal," blurring the line of generational differences as if he is their "peer," which is a destructive position for the kid to be put into; or he may present himself as being in the parental role when it is not his place to take, thus violating the rights of the child's own parent.

If someone like this has come into your child's life, it is essential that you remove him from it and from your own life before there is too much damage. You may have a full-fledged pedophile on your hands; but even if that is not the case, he is someone who will damage your child with inappropriate and undue influence, as well as the power to wreak havoc on your entire family. Many individuals who fall into this category are those who reach middle-age without having had what it took to have and raise a family of his own-- and taking yours should not be an option, whether or not he has deviant motives.

In this day and age, single mothers who are on the look-out for a potential "dad" for their kids are in the minority; those who want or need social interactions with peers are generally aware that friendships and more personal relationships are meant to be about the two people involved. Therefore one must be wary if someone attempts to form a quick bond between himself and your kids, or if he insists that the kids be included in what should be a relationship between two adults. Becoming your kid's "new best friend" is a warning sign; saying he is interested in 'you' but relating that he is more interested in the 'package' you come with is a warning sign. Be smart-- keep your peers separate from your kids, and do not allow someone to walk into your child's life unless it comes to the point that YOU want him there. If a person does not respect this decision, he is clearly someone you should not want in your life anyway.