Warning to Step-Parents (Part III)

In part one of this series we looked at how vastly under-supported more non-traditional blended families are. Part two focused on the perspective of the biological parent in the equation, so naturally part three will address the realities (and fallacies) of being the individual that steps unto this dynamic, and may quickly find themselves the proverbial third wheel, if they're not careful!

You meet someone, take a liking to them, perhaps feel a *spark* of interest only to discover that they have children. (or perhaps, as was my case, a child) You pause for a moment to assess your feelings on this; a multitude of scenarios go slamming through your brain.

"Where's the other parent and what if they come back?"
"Where's the other parent and what if they DON'T come back?"
"What if they come back and they're ANGRY?"
"What if this person is looking for someone to help raise 'their kid'?"
"What if........????"

What if you just slow down a moment, breathe, and step back (or at least stop stumbling forward.)

It's prudent, perhaps even wise, to consider the "what if's" when beginning a new relationship. A wise woman once told me, "After you fall in love, it's too late." These are words worth considering.

Of course on the other hand, perhaps you tell yourself (or a friend tells you) "You're not dating the child!" But here's the thing; YOU ARE!

Think about it; when you begin a dating relationship sans children, what is the typically the first thing that you fear? (For guys, it's accidentally passing gas in front of her; for woman it's....ok I don't know what it is for women. If a new a darn thing about women I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in. But that's another article)

You MUST remember that the little person who is probably sleeping by the time you arrive at your new love's condo, or spends the majority of their time away, only to show up on week-ends with an inadequate wardrobe and an overabundance of energy because on the way over, despite what they have instructed their ex to do, the custodial parent gave them a Krispy Kreme donut and a liter of Red Bull to wash it down, that little person is an extension of their parents. They are equal parts mom and dad. We don't need to get into a debate on nature vs. nurture, I tried that. Guess what? NURTURE will kick the livin' s#@t out of you if you so much as look cross-eyed at their progeny!

And rightly so, it would seem. The person you are dating could or would no more cut off a finger than divest themselves of their child. And just as they bleed when their finger is cut, they bleed when it's their child's finger; only more so. A cross word to the child is ridicule to the parent. A moment of impatience with the child is a crime against the parent. See how this goes?

At this point, anyone dating, considering dating, looking in the direction of someone who is a single parent is now frantically looking for the phone or their car keys in order to leave skid marks to get away. Again, slow down a moment, breathe, and step back (or at least stop stumbling forward.)

You leave now and you could very well miss out on an amazing experience - but you decide......

Since you've returned I expect that you're just a little more than curious about what comes next. Here it is;
You date the person you're interested in. Guys, open doors; pull out chairs; think of clever and romantic things to say. Gals, walk through open doors; sit in pulled-out chairs and try to act amused and smitten, even when you're clearly not. It's all part of the dance, so don't step on each other's toes.

Now remember, you've got someone that would like a little dance time also. But not with you, just yet, with their parent. So remember, that child needs love; that child needs nurturing; that child needs affection and at this point NONE OF IT should come from you! You may have become attached to them. You may like to help dress them up. You may even like having people think the three of you are a nuclear family when you're out and about. PLEASE remember - YOU'RE NOT!

It's easy to get caught up in the "Hey, you know? I could be a parent. I could love a child. Kids and animals dig me. What do I have to worry about?" Besides a broken heart, wrecked marriage, and imploded family? Nothing, really....

It mustn't end that way. It's not good for anyone. So take a few simple precautions and dramatically improve the odds that you'll be the one to help that little boy learn how to throw a football (guys) or what goes on inside the mind of a woman (gals). If it's a little girl, ladies, guess what? You get to help her dispel and destroy any and all thoughts that say she can't _____ or must do _______ . Yep, you get to help set up the explosives and she'll hit the detonator.

And gentlemen, your job is to see to it that that little girl KNOWS what a gentleman looks like, sound like, talks like, walks like and shoot, even smells like! You do it by the way you treat her mother and you do it by the way YOU TREAT HER!

There's only one final thing that both sexes need to know. You're a bit of a daredevil in this endeavor. You're flying fast and you don't have a net or a parachute. Those items came with the goodie bag they sent home with the child. (You know the bag, the one that ALL parents get that have the instructions for raising a child conspicuously missing)

The reality is the net and parachute that you DON'T have, the biological parent does. It's the safety net of unconditional love and the parachute of devotion. We talked earlier about that *spark* - well, you don't get that and you don't get the safety gear either.

But please, don't worry. All is not lost and all can still go the "happily ever after" route. Just remember that;

a. you don't have the safety gear so you'd better work slowly and carefully. Learn to forgive and to FORGET, because you're going to need to do it A LOT! it just comes with the territory. Parents have that safety net to fall into when times get particularly rough; you get to fall also, but not into a net. You just fall. And land. HARD!

b. you are in a support role to the biological parent and they call the shots when it comes to their child. You can certainly discuss, in private, any thoughts or concerns or ideas that you may have. Perhaps you read an article in a magazine, or stumbled across a parenting website. By all means, bring it up. Just remember - you are in a support role, so don't go taking over or even try to.

The question that remains, I suppose, is; Why would someone want to step into a situation like this? Why would someone willingly go tap dancing blindfolded in a minefield laid out on a driving range full of bulls wearing nothing but red underwear?

TWO REASONS: Love and love.

It's the love you have for the parent; it's the love you have for your new love interest and potential life-long partner and friend. And it's the love that will, hopefully over time, develop between you and the child. Is it worth it? Think about it.

Is there a greater feeling in the world than falling in love? Is their anything more fulfilling than realizing you absolutely adore someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them, and find out that they feel the same way? Now take that emotion and multiply it by two (or three or four or however many kids there are)

Do you know why things like love and respect and admiration feel so compelling and completing? Because they must be earned! They don't just land in your lap and they never should. When you earn the love and respect and admiration of the person of your dreams AND their children, you've just enlisted the power of the greatest force multiplier the world has ever known, LOVE. So take care it; respect it; nurture it and most importantly, don't ever try to live, or parent, without it.

Good luck in all your endeavors and may God bless you.

MD