Watching the Kardashian Family for (almost) the First Time

I was a Kardashian-family virgin. That is, I had never watched the Kardashian family on any of their TV shows (unless you count Dancing With the Stars, the O.J. Simpson trial, or one random shopping network program I stumbled across during last year's Fashion Week). I never understood why they were famous. I had, of course, heard of Kim Kardashian's divorce - I'd have to be living in a cave not to have heard of that -- but I had no idea who her husband was, or why I should care.

Then a few days ago, I saw a commercial for "Kourtney and Kim Take New York," and that, finally, piqued my interest. I live in New York City, but I was sure the the Kardashians' experience of New York would be nothing like my own. New York is actually a many-layered town, and you can live your whole life in one strata without ever going into, or even being aware of, any of the others. I suspected that my New York City and the Kardashian's New York City would be as far apart as two planets on opposite ends of the solar system.

I imagined the Kardashian sisters could show me parts of the city where I had never been - the parts where the rich, trendy, and loud go to hang out - and reveal places I never even knew existed. I thought that seeing the Kardashian's New York would be as exotic and strange an adventure as taking a tour of the city's underground sewer tunnels - that it would be just as otherworldly, though hopefully not quite as disgusting.

And so I broke my never-watched-a-Kardashian-show cherry, and turned on "Kourtney and Kim Take New York." Here is my blow-by-blow account:

The husband! Wow, he's good-looking. I would have kept him. Though he does talk very slowly, which is annoying. At least I know what he looks like now and don't have to feel totally out of the pop-culture loop.

Here's Kourtney (I know this because the program helpfully puts captions on the screen). She looks a bit like Morticia of the Addams Family. She talks really slowly too! If they're going to set a show in New York City, they need to pick up the pace and talk faster, or people will start wandering off mid-sentence. Well, maybe not, because they are the Kardashians, and they're famous.

Kourtney, her boyfriend Scott, and their baby are staying in the biggest hotel suite I've ever seen. Does the network pay for it? Probably the hotel pays for it, in exchange for the publicity. The suite is about the size of five average New York City apartments. Kourtney and Scott are bickering. They are annoying. He talks slowly too. I think they need fewer designer clothes and more cappuccinos. Wake up and talk faster, please!

So far, all the exterior shots of NY have been stock footage of tourist spots. I haven't seen anything new yet, much less anything exotic.

Kim and her still-husband Kris board a private jet. The way the camera lingers on its name (repeated out loud by a greeter), that's probably another paid-for product placement. They arrive in NY. More stock footage of the city. When are they going to go out to exotic nightclubs, imbibe exotic drugs, and end up in large, lushly decorated hospital rooms? Or is this show not going to be what I had expected?

Their voices are driving me crazy. Not only do they talk in slow-motion, but Kourtney and Kim have annoying Valley Girl whines. It's only five minutes into the show. I don't know if I can watch it much longer.

Now they playing with the baby while talking in their whiny voices. I haven't seen anything yet to show me why they are considered famous (or even watchable), nor have I seen any glimpses of the exotic nightlife of the rich and famous.

They finally leave the hotel and go to a fashion show. Okay, this is something I haven't done (though I did see some models walk through the courtyard in Lincoln Center during this year's fashion week, while I was there for a non-fashion event).

That didn't last long. Now they're back and bickering in the hotel again. Sigh.

Now they're in a new-age spa, and Kourtney is getting an enema. On camera. They go back to the hotel, and Kourtney leaks enema juice on Kim's bed. Again, on camera. Can this really be the high life in New York?

The only way I can explain the Kardashian's appeal is that it must be the combination of trashy and rich that draws people in. Because the Kardashians are so tacky, viewers don't feel intimidated, and they can vicariously enjoy the Kardashian's (product-placement) wealth in a way they might not be able to with someone who was more remote, refined, and hard to relate to. That's my theory, anyway. Otherwise, I'm just baffled.

I watched the rest of the episode. They rarely left the hotel suite, except to go to plug their store (the clothes, from what I could see, looked hideous). Finally, after a naked yoga teacher came to the apartment, Kris had enough and took off for Minnesota.

I didn't see any part of New York I hadn't seen before, except for very brief glimpses of a fashion show, the Kardashian store, and a party which seemed more like work than like fun. They could have been anywhere, bickering in a house in the middle of an unnamed suburb, for all the difference it would have made. The one talent they seemed to possess was an extraordinary ability to welcome cameras into their private lives. The only part of their lives I envied was that they rode around in limos instead of on the subway - but the subway is better for reading, so maybe it's a wash. I don't think I'll be watching them again.