Ways for Anti-christians to Celebrate Easter
The Chocolate Bunny Massacre and Other Hijinks
Buy your cards and baskets after Easter.
Deliver them with a note that says "Sorry this is late. I was dead for 3 days."
Wearing a bunny (or George Bush) mask, attend an Easter Mass. Run through the aisles shrieking "Dress UP for Sunday!" flipping up the skirts and dresses of attendees to expose their holiday undies. Don't forget to DRESS UP the priests and other robed figures. (If you get caught and arrested, DRESS UP-ing the judge will make your insanity plea more convincing.)
If you don't own a bunny mask and are forced to attend church with family members - blow kisses at the clergy. Snap your fingers and say "You go, girl!" and "Fierce!" when others say amen. Scribble notes in the hymn books that say "I'm being held hostage."
Break into Christian houses while they're at Church and eat all their candy. Claim God told you to "save them from their pagan ways". Tell the police the Twinkies made you do it. (Site legal precedent. If Dan White could get away with double homicide, you should get away with the chocolate bunny massacre.)
Pelt passersby with stale jelly beans.
Steal eggs and ransom them back to neighborhood children. (Then show them how to recoup their losses doing the same.)
If arrested demand you be recognized as a political prisoner. Claim all your actions are protected as free speech, political protest, religious freedom or performance art.
*Remember: Have fun, don't get caught. If you get caught, don't give them my name.
Published by G.L. Morrison
With sundry awards, magazines & anthologies to her credit, Morrison's taught writers @conferences in Portland, Seattle, SF, Boston, Chicago, NYC and Washington DC at the Library of Congress. View profile
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3 Comments
Post a Commentvery nice article, GL. I wonder if you define "antichristian" as someone who is opposed to christians or someone who follows the antichrist. I'm both because I'm a huge fan of Danial Quinn who has been called the antichrist. On a serious note, Dan White's defense was NOT based on the theory that twinkies made him do it, but rather on the theory he was mentally ill and his excessive cosumption of junk food was one of many symptoms of his illness. No one claimed it was the cause of his illness.
I loved the line about being dead for 3 days.
Hahaha!
"Sorry this is late. I was dead for 3 days." - HAHAHA! Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh!