Ways to Improve the Current State of Your Relationship

Good relationships take work. The sad fact is many relationships fail due too poor or ineffective communication and by having unrealistic expectations. Contrary to popular belief, its not always how much love you have for each other that can predict the success of your relationship, but ultimately how conflicts and disagreements are resolved. Research has shown that couples who are effective in resolving conflict, report being more fulfilled in their relationships and have less incidence of divorce. I will provide you some practical techniques that you can begin implementing that will drastically improve the current state of your relationship.

Perception vs. Reality

We have all heard the very popular saying, "Every story has three sides," The fact is, several people can witnesses the very same event, yet all walk away with a different perception or interpretation of the facts. The same is true in relationships. We all interpret events through our own unique lens. The way we process information is based largely on our past experiences, environment and our own inherent genetic make-up. Believe it or not, this is one of the major reasons why many relationships fail, not just our relationships with our spouse or mate, but relationships with family, co-workers and friends can all succumb to inaccurate interpretations or inaccurate perceptions. Failing to realize the impact of how ones perception influence how events and situations are interpreted can cause major communication problems. In relationships, it is important to always question, particularly when conflict arises, if one is being overly negative in interpreting their partner's actions or motives. This can be done by searching for evidence that is contrary to the negative interpretation. Oftentimes when this is done, couples find that the stance they are choosing to take on a particular issue is based solely on their own internal dialogue and really has nothing to do with their partner or their partner's motives.

Search for the positive

If I were to ask you right now to list 10 positive traits about yourself, it would probably take you a while; however, if I were to ask you to list 10 negative traits or qualities about yourself, you could probably come up with them in 10 seconds flat. Unfortunately, it is human nature to focus more on what is not working in our lives than to focus on what is going well. The same holds true in our relationships; however, if you begin to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and less on the negative, you may find that things aren't so bad after all. You may begin to view your relationship more positively, which will directly affect how you relate to your partner and how your partner relates to you.

Scorekeeping is for games, not for relationships

Keeping score is a surefire way to kill your relationship. Harboring bad feelings and holding onto things in the past will ultimately destroy your relationship. Relationships are filled with both good and bad times, when the bad times occur, you and your partner must be committed to resolving conflicts in healthy ways by ensuring that both partners feel that their voice is being heard and that each of you are valued in the relationship. Unfortunately. Scorekeepers may find themselves winning the fight, but losing the relationship.

Self-esteem comes from within

Have you ever decided to start or stay in a relationship because of what the other person has to offer; money, prestige, fame, etc. It is important to note, that because your partner has material things, it doesn't necessarily mean you will be happy. It is foolish to believe that your mate can be the only source of your happiness and the only way you can feel complete. Sure having someone to love and to share your life with can lead to a happier or more fulfilled life, but lets be clear about one thing, it cannot be the only thing that makes your life complete. The healthiest relationships exist when both partners feel whole even before the relationship begins. If you are dependent on your mate to fulfill your every need, you may be setting yourself and your relationship up to fail. The role of your mate is to compliment you, not define you. Self-fulfillment and self-esteem comes from within through personal acceptance, personal strength and self-love. If self-esteem is something you are struggling with, you need to first identify the source of your emptiness and develop a plan to begin to change the way you feel about yourself. The fact is, it doesn't matter how many ways or how often your mate expresses his love, you will be incapable of truly feeling loved until the internal work is done.

State your needs clearly and concise

Don't expect your mate to be able to read your mind. As a couple, you need to openly discuss your thoughts, feelings and concerns. If there is something you need or want from your partner, state it in clear and concise terms. You can't hold your mate accountable for something he/she is not aware of.

Avoid put down

We have all heard the saying, "Fight Fair"; this also applies to how you communicate with your partner. When arguing with you partner, it is important to allow him/her to leave the argument with their dignity and self-respect still intact. Name calling and character assai nations, will poison a relationship and lead to resentment and hurt feelings. Augments and disagreements are a normal part of any relationship and the purpose is to help couples resolve differences and to reach new levels of understanding. The goal of an augment is not to always to win. Remember, if you win, then your partner loses which will ultimately lead to a lose/lose situation for the both of you.

In closing, maintaining a happy and healthy relationship can be hard-work. However, when you are able to reach a point in the relationship in which both partners feel validated, valued and accepted; the level of happiness and fulfillment a happy relationship can bring is well worth it. If there are things you can do to improve your relationship, start today, you may be surprised at how far a little maintenance can go.