Ways to Make the Two Week Wait Go Faster

For anyone on that crazy journey of trying to conceive a child - you'll be well aware of that miserable time of the month - the two week wait. 14 days between the time you ovulate, and the time you can take a pregnancy test to see if your egg had a pleasant speed date with his sperm - and you've finally conceived. Two weeks - it doesn't seem like it's that long of a time - but for anyone waiting to test - it's the longest two weeks of your life. So, my friends, I've come up with a list of the top ways of making those two weeks fly by!

10. Play my favorite game - Punch Prego. It's very similar to Punch Bug - you know - when you see a VW Bug, you punch your friend? Only now, every time you see a pregnant woman, you punch your partner on the shoulder. Be careful though...this is not a time of beating up your spouse because you're not pregnant. In order to keep the jealous rage at bay, think of the pregnant women simply as obese women with a parasite bloating their abdomen.

9. Go yard sale-ing for baby items. You can get some awesome deals on clothing, cribs - and maybe even diapers! Shoot - you don't even have to know if you're going to eventually have a boy or girl. Because at the end of the month, you're going to have to sell all that stuff back to pay for the 25,000 ovulation predictor tests and pregnancy tests you're going to buy for the next month. And you know internet cheapie tests won't work - you need the pricey First Response Early Result. After all, 6 days sooner to test! Which means right off the bat, you're down to an 8 day wait.

8. Make a list of all the things you won't be able to do while pregnant - and do them all. This means having sushi and a glass (or bottle) of wine, get a pedicure with a deep tissue massage, eat lunch meat directly from the fridge, and eat plenty of brie. Don't bother changing the litter box. When you're pregnant you won't be able to do that either- but there's no sense in spoiling your spouse now.

7. Borrow your best friend's new puppy - but only if it's not house trained. Because everyone needs some practice taking care of a little guy that cries all night and only wants to poop and eat. Actually, this one also works if you're on birth control, and debating whether or not to have a baby in the first place.

6. Go someplace where people don't know you, and pretend you're pregnant. Hold your tummy a lot, and walk around with a sweet glow on your face. And be sure to walk into Motherhood Maternity and browse. And when a pregnant woman looks at you quizzically as to how far along you are - say "I'm almost 6 months along and can barely still fit into my size 8 jeans!" If we're jealous of preggos, we might as well make them jealous of us.

5. Keep a diary of all the symptoms you have- sore boobies, acne, twinges, headaches, backaches, runny nose, emotional, diarrhea, constipation - and analyze every single one. Most likely you're not pregnant - and they're just imaginary symptoms. But it's important to give your spouse an idea of the hell it's going to be when you do get pregnant.

4. Convince your spouse that you need to go on a road trip. At least 6 hours away. This serves a couple purposes. First, if you're not driving, you can sleep. And everyone knows that when you sleep, time flies. Next, just the fact you have to plan, and pack, and drive there, and drive back - that's seriously wasting your time. And finally, once you get pregnant, you know you won't be able to drive 6 hours anywhere without stopping at least 8 times to pee. So enjoy it now. And laugh at the preggos at the rest stops.

3. Go to the grocery store and buy pregnancy tests, tampons, and a bottle of wine. Be sure to go in the line with a teenage boy. They get really nervous. Especially since they have to touch the tampons. Bonus if there's a coupon on the tampons or the pregnancy tests so he has to stop and fiddle with the boxes. Double bonus if you can strike up a conversation about either. "Don't you hate it when your girlfriend bitches at you and you don't know if she's starting her period or is pregnant?" Then laugh like he knows exactly what you're talking about. If nothing else, he's going to think twice about having sex tonight.

2. If at any point you do start spotting - blindly ignore the obvious. Hope to God that it's implantation bleeding - and then be sure to move as little as possible. Seriously...get the hell in bed, keep your ass there, and meditate. You don't want to do anything that could possibly hinder implantation. Keep your uterus nice and relaxed. Whisper sweet calming thoughts to your uterus and will it to work with you for once.

1. Go shopping. You need some sexy new low rise jeans, some really expensive while lace panties, and a pair of white linen shorts. A new bathing suit would be good too. Because you're sure to get pregnant if you buy anything fitted or sexy. But you're sure to start your period when you're wearing anything white or expensive. So, at the end of the day, one or the other will happen.

If all else fails, lock yourself in your room and cry. Besides, if you leave your room, at least 4 friends will announce their pregnancies on Facebook and glow that "it's such a wonderful surprise because they weren't even trying!"